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I APOLOGIZE…LORD–and Thank you

Dear Lord,

I am your child…but
I grow frustrated sometimes
when I feel like time goes by too
I wish I could stay like a person I know
where I would have constant faith and it
be unshakeable faith.
I get nervous and lonely and scared.
I admit it Lord….I confess my sin.

I have doubt …while others a full of

BUT TODAY…I confess I was a bad child!

I was sad and dispondent…I was lonely and
fearfull, I admit to jealousy of other
women that have husbands, mates, and
boyfriends….I admit my sin Lord Jesus!

How many friends do I have? NOne!
So I admit my sin Lord–I admit my sin.

Please Lord, you are mighty and strong…
Show yourself mighty and strong in my heart
and give me your grace and power.

Hallelujah! Thank you Lord Jesus! I could
not make it without you.

Please Lord…grant me forgiveness of my
selfish will, my head strong self
determine. I had no help I thought…and the
help came. I had no love Lord and you
had someone to me proclaim…
your love!~
I had no peace Lord and to me
peace came…
I had no joy Lord and to me
Joy came…
So I apologize Lord…that I allowed to grow
into the cast down feeling.

Yes, I am still alone….and lonely….I feel lost
around young and old couples,

I do feel sad about my losses in life…
but I do have your life, your love..
your peace and your joy.
Thank you Lord…and forgive me again…
Thank your for having patience on me and
on my soul, and saving me from my sins
through Jesus Christ during this Lenten
Amen! And also thankyou for answering my
prayer about food today…this Saturday.
I remember Lord that I wrote so many
sad and down trodden poems and prose
about not having food to feed my family.
But Lord you had mercy and delivered me and
my family.
Thank you God….Again….your wayward
chile…river of life…AKA MUD OF LIFE
Lisa Miserable…..((((when I am not being
a good servant))))


Jay Jewels Cry FOR HUMANITYDry like the parchment of the

scroll of a writ

of so long ago

Thousands of years

hid away

Moments in the hands of

an anthropologist

crackling under his

sweaty palms


the dry old parchment

will melt away

if not put in sealed

archival containers

dry like the old linen dress

of yesteryear

like a ball of cottom in my mouth

the medical diagnosis

has come and gone

and now my sensations are


except for the diagnosis

pain that is ripping its’

way deep into my heart.

Trying to explain to my

child that he has to

take medication to save his


Cotton mouth,

loss of taste for the

things you love.

Loss of sensation in my

feet and hands

Sitting I type not

feeling, not

wanting to feel the pain

deep searing a tunnel through

my stomach

I feel full,

gas overcomes my belly

cotton mouth

prevents me from


like the fullness of

emptiness I hold

deep in my belly to

unfold until I scream from

pain and agony

Take the truth,

dealt the truth

no compassion

was the final blow


lost in a new


fear of the unknown and

the diagonosis compells

the rickety fence of hell to

open and reveal the ominous

cavern that threatens to swallow

us whole

We must proceed my child

we must go in

Cotton mouth,

sweaty palms,

sweaty feet,

sudden compulsion to

release bodily fluids,

fight or flight sydrome

in full affect

compel me oh Lord

toward the light

Let taste return

Cotton Mouth–

I cannot swallow

for the diagnosis

itself is not paletable

The diagnosis was

given with such cold

precision like the blade

of the surgeons knife

Hold my hand my child

walk together we will

toward the tower of hell

but together we will

climb to heaven

despite the steely grasp of the  Cotton mouth!

Christian Views on Pants or Dresses at Church!—Does it Matter?

This is the thing……everyone knows that the New Testament states that we are  “grafted” into the body of Christ…..we become Jewish?  REMEMBER JESUS IS JEWISH!  HE DID NOT CHANGE….the scripture did not change…..Didn’t it say to the Jew first (the Gospel) then to the gentile?  So,  my point is ….you should be following the Jewish Calendar first of all.  YOu  should follow the SABBATH,  you should never wear a PANTS….or have a job that would require you to have wear pants….you should be giving your children Bat Mitzvahs, and Barmitzvahs….in which they would be required to read the old testament and receite the scriptures of the OLD AND NEW TESTAMENT….to show his or her coming of age…..for those of us that are black….you should not be following PAGAN rights of passage.  IF YOU REALLY CALL YOURSELF A FOLLOWER OF CHRIST….WHY DO YOU not follow the JEWISHNESS OF JESUS?  wHY DO PEOPLE TAKE  Jesus heritage out of their salvation?  The whole entire point of why he is the perfect  sacrifice is due to the JEWISH RELIGION AND ITS VIEWS OF GOD AND THIER RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.   There is no other religion in which a sacrifice is made by a priest,  a law handed down,  a relationship of great miracles,  a circumcision of the men, (boy babies),  a freedom from Egypt is given…..You cannot throw out the “baby with the bath water”—-let us not limit ourselves from the vastness of God and his relationship with the Jews!  I have  a Jewish Christian Brother in Christ.  He has invited me to his congregation on numerous occasions.  They  celebrate  Passover,  and all the Jewish Holidays.  It is not a law…but  if you love somebody—–Truly love somebody….wouldn’t you want to know all there is to know about that person?  So why does the black church, and the white church for that matter….cancel out the JEWISHNESS OF JESUS?   And first of all his name is Yesuha! 

The Pagan leaders of the day….The Greek and Roman leaders of the times who chose to take over the “Christian Faith”  and ((((allowed)))) Christians to worship OPENLY…..and then created this off shoot from Jesus actuall teachings and built a religion in which Christians started “praying” to the SAINTS as well as Jesus…….called Yeshua —-Christ—-Not the Jewish Deciples!  

  (YOu know what Christian religion I am refering to.)   I am not blaming the black church for doing something wrong…..One of the Oldest African American Churches is in Philly…..Blacks were  taught the Christian faith in America…..and we being the strong willed and intelligent people that we are —-back then took that religious training that we received from the slave owners, or abolitionists and formed our own churches…..But I believe…that if the teachers had been THE JEWISH CHRISTIANS. that  I am a friend of….you would not wear pants ever…..we would read hebrew,  we would worship on the Sabbath meaning saturday……

wHAT?  yOU THINK   I MEAN TO KEEP THE LAW?   No!!!  That would have been our RELIGIOUS CULTURE!   Jewish people do not think it hard to worship on Saturday…..we do!  We are so programed to Saturday wash, and shopping!   We in the black church would never give up that weekend….not like that!  uNLESS WE

ARE   Seventh Day Adventist!….or Jehovah Witnesses!  —————————So basically…..I think it is a big waste of time to discuss wearing pants or not…..we need to start following the Jewish Calendar,  follow certain cultural activties that Jesus followed when he walked this earth. 

 You want to understand Jesus the man who chose to lay down his life?  GET to know Jesus in his COMPLETENESS!!!…..not just some religious preaching on Sunday….but the real  Savior….Get to know his struggles as a human,  and the Savior of the world. 

 So do pants really matter?  I think not!  What matters is the state of the heart, and the appropriate clothing. 

 I have seen women in dresses that were  quite inappropriate for church…..so where does that leave us?

  Can you pull that person to the side and tell them what to wear?   Think about it!   Thanks ! 


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Just so you understand what you are looking at and reading….this is my response to a Question posted on the AOL Black Voices blog.  Should Women Wear Pants  to Church.  —-This is my complete response.  I just wanted to share this with you…..tell me what you think!  Happy Easter!!!!


“Don’t Love me too much” –haiku prose- by riveroflifelisajoy


 ***Oil paint of still life by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY  8/07 


Don’t love me too much

he said, and I held him tighter

You have to love G-d more

I do, I said.

No…you don’t

he said

I grew angry that

he saw through my

tears of fear

I feared loss

I feared loneliness

I feared the emptiness

and empty bed

I loved him

We would embrace

and our “unique” addition

to the Eskimo nose kiss was

our left eye to right eye touch

Our eyes and cheeks would touch

He would flutter his eye lashes on mine

I would try to see within his soul

through my mind’s eye

Don’t love me too much

You have got to love G-d more

We held hands even in our sleep

We would entwine our legs even

in our sleep

We awoke and talked of our


He would jump up and bring

a paper to bed and show me the

plans he had written the day


I would look on and think

I  AM  –lucky, or proper term

blessed I was to

have a man with vision

goals and dreams

I would hug him and

close my eyes and

be so happy

I just want to be happy

I said

“It is not about you

It is not about me

It is about what we can do for

others he said

His goals were plain

His goals were simple

Help those around you

Do what you can for the


Jobs, training,  youth, and


He wanted to be a minister

He wanted me to be there

A dark cloud approached

and my sunny day faded to


I could no longer hug his strong

muscular back

For he was gone






A gutteral,

primitive scream!!!

That horrible disease

destroyed my dream

Darkness took over

tentacles crawled from the

depths of hell

and dragged him down

a so,– so deep well

Don’t love me so much!!

was all I could hear

Take care of my son,

to me you will always be


Continue to sing,

and give to the poor

for in that you will not

lose me….ever more!!!!

So I continue to help

I continue to give

Although my arms ache,

the lost love that

I can no longer take

I understand now

I ponder and think

What did he see

beyond that ugly,

ugly, brink?

I have not lost him

when at last I think

he  has been in every

good deed

I will not falter

until my dying day

Although there is no

grave plot

No memorial for him

for that ugly, ugly

monster has  claimed

him from within

He is missing,

traveling a road I can

not find

Missing in body—

missing in mind


He is gone, for nine years

Don’t love me too much

Hold on to G-d

I did grow strong

I will go on

But I will always

love him

from now on

Do not feel sorry for me

For I have suffered great


But I have no regrets

For great was the love

some would call it soul


I call it a blessing from


He was my teacher,

my mentor,

my best friend

my lover

my husband

He had a good and

honorable job

as a Corrections Officer

yet he was taken from me by

illness beyond my control

His goals and dreams never to

be fulfilled

But yet he still lives on

Don’t love me too much

—but I do




LIFE STARTS HERE.jpgChildren are pure and simple.

  Adults are children who grew up.

  Why are there so many adults that have forgotten what it was like to be a child? 

What has happened to the hurting children of society? 

 They grow up….and if they are still unaware of circumstance s that have changed their attitudes, and they are not aware of their actions and how it creates the future paths that they take….WOW! 

 You end up with the powerful film that I just saw tonight.  I hesitated to purchase…yes purchase this movie.  I thought it was going to be a sermon for a good long hour or more.  But instead for people who like hard hitting reality type dramas….this is it.  T.D. Jakes plays himself in this movie. 

 But he is so low key that he does not over do it.  He did exactly what a minister is supposed to do…..listen.  T. D. Jakes listened to the actors in their roles and behaviors.  He was excellent! 

 But the worse part of the movie was the child being attacked.  That was too graphic for me. 

I had to fast forward it after I watched the movie for the second time.

  The Woman  thou art loosed may stir up old hurts and old pain for those who have suffered such things as a child.

  The ending is somewhat confusing.  It leaves  it up in the air. 

 But it gave voice to those humanbeings that have suffered in many circumstances in life. 

 It is skillfully acted,  and not too over the top.  It was difficult to watch at times…because it was so brutally raw and real. 

 It was not a true story….but it makes you wonder if maybe there were other reasons for the pain and suffering in the world. 

 It makes you want to give the entire world a hug. 

 Every race has suffered.

  Every race has cried. 

 Every race has wished the sun would not go down on its’ sorrow.

  Every race has prayed for a new begining.

  And all mankind has begged, and pleaded for redemption from suffering. 

 There are no human beings excempt from suffering. 

 Please watch this movie….do not look at the race of the people playing the acting roles

….do not look at T.D. Jakes as a man who has a “black” persepective on the situation. 

  Please take a look. 

 The movie  “Woman Thou Art Loosed”  may just change your perspective on life for the better.

Have a good night!


My New Year’s Resolution–It’s Gonna Be Great In 2008!!!

LIFE STARTS HERE.jpgNo matter what…I will resolve

to improve my status in life!

I  want to go in the direction of

Peace with my fellow man

I want to develop a clear and

concise plan

I will  move in the direction of harmony with

all.  But will not give up my self-respect

Because if I do,  I have wasted this long,  long up hill


Will you take my hand,

My fellow man?

Can we together rise,

up toward the heavenly skies to

bring down the fighting across the


Can we bring down the pain and suffering

in the lives of men,  women, and children?

Can we find ways to stay the course, and

not have to live out our lives full of

remorse?  From good deeds left undone,

from victories left not won?

Can you search deep within,  and see the one true love

of mankind that will give us the answer

and the goal that is about to unfold in the

coming year?

Does every year new have to begin with


Can we shout in victory together, all man kind

of  every race, creed and religion? 

All of mankind of all lifestyles, and traditions

Can we this year….of 2008  be ready,  be real,

and prepared to be GREAT?

What say you, my fellowman kind and womankind–Are we up for the challenge to participate in the year 2008!

Come forward, and do not fear,  the end of the 2007 is drawing to an end. 

I hope you will take the challenge and  assist this beautiful world on which we reside to come to a mend and heal from deep inside.

You do not have to believe in the same God as I do. 

Just place your foot, within your shoe and take just

one step forward.

Take another step forward toward your destiny.

There is a purpose for all of us on this globe called earth!

Do not be afraid to see your value,  see your worth!

I will pray for you.  I will pray for myself…

I will pray that the Almighty God above reveal his love to one and all!  That you,  your friends, and family  and I will

receive joy, peace and prosperity in the coming year 2008!

Just do not forget to open the gate for the poor,  the down trodden,  the sick,  and the weak.—

For those who have received much….much is required back to assist those who are yet on the road as pilgrims seeking salvation and peace.

May the God of all—The Alpha and Omega

the Beginning and the End —give you all that you need to succeed in 2008! 

I resolve to be a help and not a hinderance on that road  toward our goals of man-kinds success!

Till next blog


What is the real price of rent these days?


“My God,  My God—why hath thou forsaken me?”  According to the scripture, my God forsook Jesus for a short period of time during the ultimate scarcrifice….Jesus Life for my salvation.  As a Christian I have been experiencing some rather difficult times.  I have been without food,  without electricity,  without heat,  without a decent coat for myself and my child.  Why do you ask?  It all started when my husband became Paranoid Skizophrenic almost ten years ago.  I will not give all of the details but I will tell you that I had a mother in law that nearly destroyed MY life and my Child’s life. 

I had to think and pray…fast,  work,  talk to agencies and organizations to keep from losing the battle with that woman.  Although she was just a human being it appeared that she had the power more than humanly possible. 

 She tried to take my liberty and ruin my life.  However,  by God’s grace she did not succeed.  I was strengthened by a few people in my life.  My mother,  and a few people at work….literally a few.  I was surprised that churches did not offer any real help. 

 When my husband was put away for a month due to a court “mental Hygiene warrant—the church I attended at that time refused to visit him. 

They told me that they were praying for him and that would be enough.  They did not offer any food,  any money and they did not even come to visit me.  But as “Paul” stated…..”My God is suffiecient to meet all our needs, a

ccording to his riches in glory.”  It was not based on the people I would have expected to help me…Finally—life after nearly ten years has been hard…..but eventful—even filled with miracles.  Without the help of strangers and others (some not of my religious beliefs at all)—My son and my mother and I have been making it. 

 NO,  I have NO hatred for those out to harm  me…..I have too much at I am  trying to focus on.  My music,  my education,  my son’s future and the blessings that I had to open my eyes to see around me. 

 But getting back to the original title of this blog—“What is the real price of rent these days?”  Mine is $1600.00  per month for a 3 bedroom—-

You see—it is all about the NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!   Who can afford a cheap rent and live in a “drug infested,  gang banging, etc., etc., etc., area and leave your kid to walk to a bus stop, untouched,  or leave you elderly relatives in dangerous areas unsecured?  

 What is the price of rent these days?—Is it monetary?  Or is it peace of mind?—-Last week I had to go to the local church food pantry to get food.  I make too much to  be eligble for food stamps—-I was told I have to make another child to receive them.  I was told to go out and get another job. 

I was told I would have to be a drug attic by the local welfare department counselor or had my case and my request for simple food stamps  to feed my family. 

“What is the price of rent these days?”  I lost my house after my husband got sick, and I lost my credit rating because I could not sell the house without his signature. 

 The mortgage company—said you have to have both signatures to sell it—-don’t worry we are taking the house and they took it.—-So I end up paying rent—which is higher than my original mortgage—-$1400.00  —-

What was the point of all of that anyway?  Oh, that’s right….the mortgage company had to make a sale so the country could continue to go down in the subprime chaos—But as I recall from the begining of my blog—-

Jesus said, ” My God!  My God!  Why hath thou forsaken me!!!”  Sometimes I feel like that too….especially when I have no food on the table after I pay the $1600.00 RENT—DON’T FORGET THE GAS, ELECTRIC,  TELEPHONE BILL—oh—I do not have cable–

I do not have direct TV—but guess who does?  

 My  X- mother in law—-who retired from a high paying city job…..My income is limited due to medical condition of my child and my mother—-I also do not receive child support because my X mother inlaw made sure that my husband (mentally ill)  did not apply for any social security benefits.

  My son will be 18 years old in the next three years and has never been given any financial assistance except from me….the full time struggleing single parent!  Amazing right? 

You see my  husband was so mentally ill, and is currently been missing since 1998 and never received benefits….because my Xmother inlaw stated that she would make sure that I would never receive any financial assistance from my husband her first born son.—so I can not work too many hours past the regular 40 hour work week. 

 —-So really—tell me what is the “real price of rent these days?”  To be continued…..



In Luke Chapter 14 verses 7 to14,  Jesus describes how to conduct yourself when you are invited to a wedding.  He explains that you do not sit in the best seat in the house,  (church,  temple etc.) instead sit in the worse seat.  That way if someone of “more importance arrives”  you do not have to change your seat.  Verse 11 states it plainly, “IF YOU PUT YOURSELF ABOVE OTHERS, YOU WILL BE PUT DOWN.  BUT IF YOU HUMBLE YOURSELF, YOU WILL BE HONORED.”  

Then Jesus went on to explain from verse 12 to verse 14: “When you give a dinner ora a banquet, don’t invite your friends and family and relatives and rich neighbors.  If you do, they will invite you in return, and you will be paid back.  When you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind.  They cannot pay you back.  But God will bless you and reward you when his people rise from death.”

I constantly think of the disadvantaged.  I constantly see the disadvantaged.  One day I was going into Manhattan to practice in one of my orchestras.  I came over the Triboro Bridge and landed smack in the middle of Harlem.  I exited the  FDR DRIVE by mistake I saw a woman between the age of 25 and 30.  Her dark brown   skin  was marbled looking.  She had lesions on her skin…Her mouth was cracked and painful looking.  I was stopped at the red light.  I knew what was about to happen.  I told my son to take out some money for the woman.  She came to my window—I gave her what little change I had left.  She told me “Thank you and God bless you!”   I said, “Look I could be where you are—-any one could be.  I have to answer to God for my actions.”—She looked at me and then replied–“You gave me money and the car in front is a Mercedes and that person would not give me anything.  I replied—“Because that person has more than you and I both—they think that they will not one day have you condition or mine—or may be that person does even care….But any way God Bless you  and take care of yourself.”  I drove off in my ten year old care with only twenty dollars in my pocket….wondering what would that woman do for the rest of her life—what disease was she plaqued with and where would she end up by the end of the year or in a day?  Sad—but just like a flower it blooms and withers away.  I pray for the world and my own child’s future.  Time seems slow when we are at work and hate our jobs….but soon our children grow up,  leave us  and then we are moved into nurseing homes and then whither and die like a delicate flower..   So to those in beautiful Mercedes,  Lexus cars —what ever you drive—remember life is short—live to the fullest—but don’t forget the down trodden—-take the “lesser seat at the wedding—-because you do not know who will be placed in that seat—-MAYBE THE WOMAN ASKING FOR A HANDOUT AT THE STOP LIGHT IN HARLEM —instead of you!!!!  —-Think on good things and build bridges–Don’t destroy!!!!