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Archive for SELF REFLECTION

Where Have I been?

Journey Behind the Falls at Niagara ...

 

I have been on a journey…

My friend

I have not been lost

intentionally

but a journey of length

and depth  has

challenged my

very heart and soul

I have gathered need

and gathered sorrow

My journey leads me

down dark alleys

bright rooms,

painful thoughts

and haunting fears

Tears are worthless

here on my journey

But the tears still come

and roll down my cheeks

like snowballs gathering

size and speed

My nose and face feel clogged

from the emotions spent

on this journey

Come free me my friend

from this torment

But I do not cry for myself

I cry for another

My son, my dear son

What will be?

Sickness again claimed

him on June 24 after

his American History

Regents exam…of which he

did receive an 88!

The victory of his passing

is overshadowed by the

illness that gripped him in

its stealy hands

I wish for him joy,

health, and happines…

I pray for him health, health, and more health

So that has been my journey my friend

Seeking health and strength for

the child of my womb

The child I had prayed for 15 years ago

is in a battle for his life….

So my journey is not a lonely one

but a hard. brittle, prickly one

Where have I been?  Right here,

at home, at work, but journey is a battle of

the mind and strength of the

spirit.

JOurney is to walk a walk of faith,

and endurance…

So I have not called you,  written you,

but I know you are still there.

I will not go,

while I continue this journey,  whose

destination I yet do not know.

-fini-

Riveroflifelisajoy

credit of waterfalls image…from aol journey images

MIDDLE PASSAGE AND THE MEMORIES OF A SLAVE~~~Fiction by Riveroflifelisajoy

Ma name is John Smith.

Ah, been in dis here plantation since a

was a young chile..sold offin’

my Mama befo’ I was ten.

But Ah memba’ my Mama face

and my Mama hands.

My Mama face wuz brown

tired and sad. 

She wore a ole’ faded

red head rag.   She would

take me wid her to clean

the chicken coups

and feed the cows.

Ah would play and chase

the chickens!

One day the master

of  da house came and

picked me out from

ma friends and told

my Mama it wuz time

fo’ me to go!

I wuz too big to

be playin’ anymo’.

The master sent ole’

Joe, the helper to carry me off

to the market to be

sold. 

Ah cried and kicked and

screamed fo’ my

Mama. 

She just stood a lookin’

after me and did not

move to help me!

Ah watched my Mama

grow tiny as the horse,

cart  pulled me and the otha’ slaves who

was packed into it away from

my birth plantation to a

new and dangerous beginin’!

Ah wuz sold to the Williams.

Mr. Williams was kind, but

his son was the mean one.

He liked to beat slaves fo’ nuthin’

and then leave um to die if they

put up a fuss.

He would jus’ buy mo’

slaves the next day.

The Williams plantation

was a cotton plantation.

Hard work, pickin’ cotton,

cuts up yo’ hands and stuff.

Ah grew big and strong.

I could carry three times my weight

on a good day.

So young master Williams took

good care uh me. 

But ah hated ta see

my friends suffer so.

One day we heard of the

UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.

Ah  decided to run awa’.

No, Ah told ye, that Master Williams

wuz good to me.  Ah just wanted to see

my Mama so bad.

Ah did not care about good treatment.

Ah wanted to be free! 

Ah made a chance run fo’ it

one night.

Ah wuz tryin’ ta meet

up wid the UnderGround RailRoad

in the forest.

Ah, made a mistake.

I told ole’ Buck, who curries the

Master’s horses.  He warn’ me

not to try it!  Ah, told him to minds his business!

I could out run any dog, or horse….cause the master

fed me the best food cause ah carried the heavy loads and pulled

plows when the horses went lame.

Sos’  I think that is why I wuz caught so fast.

When they draggs’ me back to the

plantation, there was ole’ Buck a lookin’

at me.  From a distance he kept gettin’

bigger, and bigger.  He stood right at

the wipping post and look at me….just starin’

and shaking his ole’ grey head.

When they tied me up I could see dried

blood where other slaves had been beat.

It wuz a cloudy day.

It wuz a hot night.

They found me in the day and wup me

deep into da night.

Young Master Williams took a break

from his workin’ my back, and

then told his workers to continue on

till the next mornin’ just wupin’

my back.

I stop yellin’ and then I don’t

member nothin after dat.

All I know is that I found ma’self

sittin up here wit Jesus, and da

Angels.

Oh, and I found Mama too!

Except  she got a big smile on

huh face, and she wearing a white

dress and she don’t look tired no’ mo’.

Fini~~~

Fiction Depiction of Slavery

by Riveroflifelisajoy

The Doe and the Hunter

Baby mule deer in wildflowers

 PICTURE FROM AWAY.COM

**************************************************************

 

He rose up and

cursed the day

that I was born

because he simply

did not like

me

We contend for

a spot on the

dot placed

on center

stage

Who is she

that she should

be placed over me

he says

he complains

daily and they

listen

he rants daily

and they listen

then they begin to

plot my

demise

my destruction

they seek

and plan their

victory party

over the

doe and

her child

they run quickly

to the river and

lay their trap

for the doe when

she drinks her

water

So I entered into

the lair of

my haters and

knowingly began

to drink

from the river until

I hear a

SNAP!

AND A THUD!

When you dig

a ditch

you better

dig two

for in setting a

trap

you may find

yourself

the  victim of

your own crime

and  plot

the doe jumps

from fear

and runs off

back to the safety

of  the forest

while the hunter

lays at the

bottom of

his well laid

pit–realizing

that he forgot

to look where he

was walking

in his glee

over his trap

and soon prey

subdued and

destroyed

The doe runs

back to her fawn

and then continues on

until

another hunter

lays another

trap

on another

God Given

day!

—riveroflifelisajoy

COTTON MOUTH

Jay Jewels Cry FOR HUMANITYDry like the parchment of the

scroll of a writ

of so long ago

Thousands of years

hid away

Moments in the hands of

an anthropologist

crackling under his

sweaty palms

grasp

the dry old parchment

will melt away

if not put in sealed

archival containers

dry like the old linen dress

of yesteryear

like a ball of cottom in my mouth

the medical diagnosis

has come and gone

and now my sensations are

minimized

except for the diagnosis

pain that is ripping its’

way deep into my heart.

Trying to explain to my

child that he has to

take medication to save his

life.

Cotton mouth,

loss of taste for the

things you love.

Loss of sensation in my

feet and hands

Sitting I type not

feeling, not

wanting to feel the pain

deep searing a tunnel through

my stomach

I feel full,

gas overcomes my belly

cotton mouth

prevents me from

eating

like the fullness of

emptiness I hold

deep in my belly to

unfold until I scream from

pain and agony

Take the truth,

dealt the truth

no compassion

was the final blow

given

lost in a new

hell

fear of the unknown and

the diagonosis compells

the rickety fence of hell to

open and reveal the ominous

cavern that threatens to swallow

us whole

We must proceed my child

we must go in

Cotton mouth,

sweaty palms,

sweaty feet,

sudden compulsion to

release bodily fluids,

fight or flight sydrome

in full affect

compel me oh Lord

toward the light

Let taste return

Cotton Mouth–

I cannot swallow

for the diagnosis

itself is not paletable

The diagnosis was

given with such cold

precision like the blade

of the surgeons knife

Hold my hand my child

walk together we will

toward the tower of hell

but together we will

climb to heaven

despite the steely grasp of the  Cotton mouth!

With the Free CONDOMS….Do I get a free guest pass to the Motel Too?–Reflections on Free Condoms in the HighSchools!

LIFE STARTS HERE.jpgI understand the goal of the school system.  I just do not comprehend the where and the how of it all.  I am a Baby Boomer!  My mother was very strict and I did not have my first boyfriend until I was 21 years old. 

 Yep, you guessed it…Late Bloomer, Baby Boomer.  I was born in 1961!  The Kennedy Era….blacks were still being treated like 3rd class citizens and society was still quite “Judeo/Christian” in its ethics and views of the American Society and the global outlook on things strange and foreign. 

 So with all that being said,  I am still a child of the “strict Judeo Christian Ethic”  I do not like to have conversations ab0ut overt sex, sex play, or lifestyles.  What I mean is that I am considered a person who is quite conservative in my values on life in general.

  However,  I have been concerned only about the goals of myself as a mother and leader in my family.  My personal views do not involve the rights, or lack of rights of another person unless their rights impringe on my personal assumed or legal rights as it were. 

 So again I ask this silly, silly question,  Does the giving out of free condoms to highschool students come with free passes to the local motel,  a booklet on sex,  proper hygenic sex,  sex education, and levels of sex methods, and proper treatment of one’s sexual partner? 

Do not give a person socks without shoes!  The condom is only part of the equation as far as I am concerned.  But I guess the “Powers that Be”– believe that highschool kids have that mentality of “Where there is a will there is a way?”

  In a back alley,  a park,  their parent’s house or whatever location that would be demoralizing to both parties engaged in sexual intercourse in some illegal public place if they were to get caught in a compromising “position” by a representative of law and order (if you know what I mean.) 

So if condoms are being handed out….what about books,  proper cleaning of genital areas,  books on crabs, genital warts, sexual life choices,  sexually transmitted diseases, Aids awareness packets, and procreation booklets as well as the most difficult topic of all —–abortion. 

For as we all know…..the condom,  the spermicide, the gels, the sponges, the pills, the “bandaides that are placed out of sight on the female body” do not always work. 

The purchase of the condom can be done at any time.  The saving of a young life from disease, or date rape is more difficult.  Teaching teenages about respect of one’s partner, or “domestic violence”,  NO, MEANS NO, and  pregnancy should be a mandate in all United States schools. 

 My son learned about his body parts, and sexual organs in Grace Lutheran Church and School, in the 4th grade.  I was upset at first and I asked the principal “Why”?  Now?  He is so young…..I still wanted him to believe in Santa Claus and Charlie Brown, the Easter Bunny and all of those fun child like things! 

 But instead a religious school that I paid $300 per month to was teaching about God and his private parts!  Ugh!!!! I was not ready for my 10 year old to start that discussion. 

Look,  I am not a prude.  I grew up with alot of pets!  I have had dogs that we owned that procreated in our yard and then we would have to throw water on them with they got “stuck”. 

  My son grew up with dogs also.  He is now 14 years old.  He was Zero to 13 living with our pets.   He had seen the dogs stuck together in the yard and came running telling me that something was wrong with the two dogs.

  I ran to the embarressing scene only to find the dogs looking equally embarressed as I was.   I would deal with the dogs and then I was left with the discussion of what that was called, and how that happend….which to be honest….I have still not understood why that “sticking” thing happens with dogs….but anyway…I digress. 

 I just did not want my son to get ALL of the details at9.  I thought 12 years old was better.  But what caused me to relax was the great principal Mrs. Lloyd. 

 Mrs. Lloyd said to my very, very, anxious teary eyed face…..”Mrs. Riveroflifelisajoy,  Don’t you want your child to be aware of his body and his rights over his body? Just because we are Christian does not mean that we should be naive about our bodies,  and neither should our children. 

This class will help possibly prevent the child from being lured into a sex abuse issue,  do you understand?  We have to teach them, and that helps them to understand the dangers.  We do not want to frigthen the children,  we want to arm them with knowlege not ignorance.”  

 After that talk, I calmed down.  I thought about what she said.  I thought back on my own personal experiences, and I realized she was right. 

 So I say all that to say this…..SCHOOLS SHOULD GIVE MANY, MANY, MANY, VARIOUS COURSES ON SEXUAL EDUCATION.  Do not just teach what a condom is….tell what will happen if it is not used properly,  take the boys to the side and show proper application,  take the girls to the side and show the various sexual safety products like female condoms too. 

Let the schools hire trained professionals that will treat this teaching professionally, and respectfully.  No matter what the teenagers sexual preference….SAFE SEX MUST BE TAUGHT FROM  9TH GRADE THROUGH 12 GRADE. 

That might be a better option than JUST giving out a condom.  Safe sex and sex relations and sex products for procreation, and abortion/prolife should be held at the begining of the school term for atleast one week as part of the core curriculum. 

 Most of the ignorance is continued by lack of knowledge in the American Society and  country.  The United States is a Super Power……why are our children more aware of Disney World, Disney Land,  video games,  popular music and the like….but ignorant on their own bodies, the risks of sexual activity, the pros and cons of birth control, and pregnancy vs. prolife/prochoice?

I would hope that my voice will be heard.  Look,  if a religious school realizes how important it is for their students to have CONTROL over their bodies….because that control over one’s body actually does control one’s future and destiny…..why not let all schools create a program that will teach and do no harm?

  With proper guidance and education maybe our children, and their children’s children will have the option to decrease abortions,  aides, and domestic violence.  It will not solve the world’s problems, but it will be an assist to the world overall.

—–RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY

Candida Just Wanted to Meet the Man of Her Dreams –Attacked on a Date–non/fiction story

Chinese Ink through Time by RiveroflifelisajoyCandida had been a freshman in the second semester of Queens College.   She met a very tall, good looking guy called Donado in the main building of the college one day.  She saw him after he saw her it would seem.

  She was walking and he approached her and said “Hello!  How are you doing today?”  She was taken back because she was deep in thought about issues of the day.   He was with friends.  She was surprised that  he would talk to her. 

 She was naturally shy and withdrawn.  They walked across the campus to her next class.  She gave Donado her telephone number and they talked on the phone that night.   He was very, very tall.  She was only 5’2″. 

 Her mother said that he seemed a bit too tall for her.  She did not care.  He seemed nice.  They ate lunch at college together.  One weekend Donado invited Candida to go to the KingsPlaza Mall in Brooklyn where he lived. 

 Candida, being some what  sheltered she was nervous when she had to take the long train ride to Brooklyn,  and had thoughts of sitting in the movie theatre and having something to eat in the mall with her new “boyfriend”.  This would be her first boyfriend. 

 Her mother would not allow her to date in junior highschool, or highschool.  No one ever had called the house when she was growing up.  Although she was in college,  she knew she had a lot more to learn then just academics!

 She had told her mother that she would be going to Brooklyn to have lunch and a movie with Donado. Her mother gave her the usual warnings about safety.

  When she came out of the subway she saw Donado immediately.  He had a big smile on his face.  He took her hand and walked with her to the Kings Plaza Mall.  Once in side he ran into some of his friends. 

 He was proud to introduce her to his “boys” and they were pleasant.  Candida had butterflies in her stomach.  This was her first date!  At 19 years old, she was embarressed to tell anyone that she had never had a real boyfriend! 

 Now, she felt like a more mature person.  It was fun.  Wow, and he was so tall, and she felt protected and secure!  They had a lunch and then he wanted to stop at his house before they went to the movies.   He shared his apartment with his mother.

  His mother seemed rather small, and thin and pale.  She looked very tired, exhausted.  The house was clean, but she seemed annoyed with Donado.  He went to his bedroom to get something and Candida and Donado’s Mom, had a uncomfortable silence. 

 She did not ask Candida any questions and did not volunteer any conversation.  His mother just looked around the room.  Donado soom emerged from his bedroom and left without saying anything to his mother. 

His mother asked when he would be back and he said after the movie.  When they exited the apartment he took Candida by the hand and  limited his long strides so that she could keep up with him.  They arrived at the movie theatre and he paid for the tickets.  The movie was all that Candida expected.

  Donado placed his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him.  Candida could feel her heart racing within her chest.  Wow!  She thought!  I have a boyfriend!  Her stomach fluttered, and she felt a warming sensation deep within.

  She felt that she had come to the place that she had seen other young ladies with their boyfriends on the college campus. 

 She was not a loner anymore!  I have a boyfriend!  I have a boyfriend!  She could barely keep her mind on the movie! 

 She could not wait to get home and tell her friend from college about the movie and her boyfriend and his arm around her shoulder! 

 After the movie ended Donado said, “Lets go back to my house before you go home and play some checkers,  you want to do that?”

  Candida, really was ready to go home because her mother warned her about traveling at night from an area she was not familiar with. 

 She said, okay, but just for a little while. When she entered the living room, Donado invited her to sit on the leather couch.  He went to his room and got a box that contained the checkers. 

 His mother did not come out of her room this time.  She heard his mother call Donado several times before he finally answered her. Donado brought Candida a cool drink from the kitchen.  He sat next to her and said I want a kiss. 

 Candida was unpracticed in romantic activities so she gave him a peck on the cheek.  This was the first time they had been some what alone since they had met. 

 When she reached over to kiss his cheek he turned and kiss her on the mouth full and then pryed her lips apart and then planted  a deep kiss on her. 

 Ugh!  She felt drool on her face, and her mouth.  She felt sick, and nauseas. 

She pushed him away and he persisted.  She began to feel scared because he had practically climbed on top of her.  Soon he had her shirt up and was pulling at her bra! 

 She was stunned and embarressed. She was wondering what would his mother think! 

 She would never had let something like this happen in her mother’s house, especially with the mother in the next room. 

 She tried to talk and he continued to kiss her forcefully on the mouth.  At one point she thought that she almost could not breath.  He was tall and pressing hard against her. 

 She wanted to run from this night mare and could not get away.  Donado finally got his way and had pulled her blouse part way off and her bra too.

  Suddenly his mother was in the room and yelling…..DONADO!!!

WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING TO  HER?!!!!

  What are you doing to that girl? 

 Stop it do you hear? 

Stop it I said! 

  Candida’s heart was pumping, and her ears and face were burning from the heat of the emabarressment and fear she was experienceing.  All she wanted to do was to run. 

 She had never really kissed anyone before.  Plus she had never had anyone take her shirt off of her either.  She was humilated.  Donado’s mother must have thought that she was’nt such a nice person too. 

 Donado got up off the couch and ran over to his mother and told her to shut up and go back into her room.  They began to argue and Candida pulled her blouse and bra back on and also began to put on her coat. 

 Donado wheeled around and said,

 “Where are you going?” 

“I am leaving, I want to go home!” Candida said. 

 Donado looked puzzled, “What’s the matter?  What do you mean what is the matter?”

  Candida could barely speak. 

 Her feelings were hurt, and all she wanted to do was get on the train and get home to the safety of her mother’s house.  She felt lost and afraid of this Donado!

  When he got her to the train station she went in and did not look back.  He called her at home and she would hang up on him.  He saw her at college and she would avoid him. 

 What is the matter is all he kept saying, and she would reply, “You know what you did!”  Donado then replied,  “You need to grow up little girl!” 

 Candida was so ashamed, because Donado had said that in front of his friends.  From that day forward she walked in another direction.  She avoided that area. 

 Some months later she met another young man at church, who treated her with respect, and they dated for several years.

Dating and relationships are delicate like a flower.  They need to have care, compassion and  mutual respect. 

 The experience described here is true.  The names were changed for obvious reasons. 

 Candida had been inexperienced in dating.  But that did not make it justified for Donado to attempt to dominate her. 

This blog is for those young people who are dating and have had this experience, or might have it.

Remember respect one another,  date rape, or near date rape is not fun.  If someone says no!   No,  means just that NO! 

I hope this story will help others in their quest for relationships.

Be kind to one another.

Till next blog,

Riveroflifelisajoy

Barak Obama —I’ll have Mine Well Done Thankyou! With the Democratic Push for President growing more intense, backing for Barak OBama from the Kennedy Camp! Wow! That truly IS newsworthy!

LIFE STARTS HERE.jpg 

The last time I wrote about Barak Obama I told you that I do not know enough about him to really make a good clean decision on him.  But I am in shock right now.

 The Kennedy Family is standing behind him!???!?!  Wow!  That is admirable….but it also scares me a little! 

 Why?  I am not completely sure as to why the political backing of the Eternal Flame at Arlington that flickers over the grave of one of the Kennedy Presidents,  and the family that has reigned over politics in this country since I was born in 1961– kind of unnerves me but it does. 

 It is not a bad thing,  it is an awe inspiring thing. 

I feel a bit shakey inside when I think of the Kennedy’s placing their political UMP! behind Obama.  They usually do not speak out too much….but when they do…it is powerful, and needs to be considered on all fronts. 

 Also, until this political twist I was unaware that my favorite action flick star, turned governor of California Arnold Swartzenegger (sorry about the spelling)  was a republican, while his Kennedy ancestry wife Maria Shriver was still a staunch democrat.  What must be the conversation over dinner be like?

  Maria Shriver was also present at the backing and speech making campaign for Barak Obama.  The Kennedy Mantel has even been placed on Obama’s Shoulders.   They stated that he is like a Kennedy in his attitude and stance in politics.  

They like him and are standing behind to give him the political push.  If I was undecided before,  now I really do not know how to vote.

  Previously,  I had stated that I knew more about Hillary Clinton than I knew about Barak Obama….whether he is “BLACK OF SKIN” like me or not. 

I have been in my job for about 20 years,  I have not had people who were of my race like me, just because I am the same race as them!  Most people do not like me because of the role I maintain on my job.  So,  race has nothing to do with it for me. 

Politics aside,  Obama was a family background that is not anything like mine.  His father was a native of Africa, and his mother was European…My grandparents and their grandparents were slaves!

  So what am I to tell you are that I have in common in  ancestry with Obama?  Nothing…absolutely nothing. 

But when it comes to politics,  I want to know how he will change my child’s future for the better!  How will my health care improve?

  How will my single parent status improve. 

 How will being a care giver to my mother improve? 

 How about the high price of rent/ mortgage improve?  

 How can attending college become more affordable for myself and my child? 

When will my job receive the much needed economic raises needed to help meet the food bill,  electric bills, gas bills, health care, car insurances,  medication and perscription prices? 

  I heard on 1010 wins “ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE UPDATE”  that Obama made a speech in which he promised to” increase minimum wage not once every ten years, but EVERY YEAR!  

Obama even stated that if  “You work in this country you should not be poor!”

  That statement was very powerful, but also frightening! 

 How would increaseing minimum wage yearly affect cost of food in the fast food industry which barely pays its’ workers minimum wage earnings? 

How would rasing the  minimum wage yearly affect home attendant prices for those who need the home attendant? 

 How would raising minimum wage affect the industries that make their living from  the backs of LOW WAGE EARNERS WHO CANNOT AFFORD A DENTAL PLAN/MEDICAL PLAN with the low wages that they earn in MCDonalds,  Wendys,or  BurgerKing?

  What about the dry  cleaning industry? 

 What about the malls, and stores like Macys? 

 How will constantly increasing the minimum wage impact on such industries

 Will clothes, shoes,  and the basic neccesities begin to raise beyond normal levels, in order to accomplish the “everyone one starting off at the same fair rate?” 

 Is it possible that what ever  the wage increase is….the economy will have to make adjustments in order to find the money to PAY THE WAGE INCREASES TO THE WORKERS!  

 Look,  I want atleast a an unrealistic raise of atleast $30, 000.00 per year.  Will I get it?  Of course not.  But if you give me at least a 30% increase in raise I would see a difference in my  paycheck,  more than that small 3% raise I keep getting every two or three years. 

 That three percent raise adds up to about $5.00 more per year.  That gets eaten up by all the life insurance policies, and taxes I pay direct before I even receive my paycheck net. 

 So if Mr. Obama can raise the rate of income for all American’s  who will ultimately pay the cost and price of this increase? 

Do you think the price will cover it?  I highly doubt it.  The rich are the ones paying us poor folk these small wages for fast food, high paced jobs, and they want a surplus….they do not just want to make a small profit either. 

Who would buy a McDonalds’s regular cheese burger for let’s say $3.00 in order to assist in rasing the rate of the minimum wage for the McDonald’s employee behind the cash register? 

I wonder

 What do you think? All I know is that –that hamburger better be good……I LIKE MINE WELL DONE THANKYOU!

***Reflections on the Hot Race for President in the Democratic Party  by

RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY!

Guess What? Weight is a Direct connection to Illness….Heard that on 1010 Wins Health minute! So where’s the Comedy in that?

still-life.jpg 

There are those heavy, full figured comedians which shall remain namelss, (Monique) who state that BIG IS BEAUTIFUL!   Well I think that is the problem.

  Making one’s soda extra large at the fast food place,  or having BIGGIE FRIES or double, double whopper is not HEALTHY!

  So why are the comedians who can afford a : weight trainer,  lap ban surgery,  and live in doctor telling us big gals and big men that it is alright to STAY BIG?

  That is not a good road to lead people down.  No,  no one is leading me into Biggie fries…I chose those on my own…(if and when I make a choice in that direction!) 

 But still, self-esteem is a big issue in today.  I had a friend who is a rather small man in height and weight….OH,  there are men who love women your size.  Wait,  I will get the name of the “CLUB”  that you can go to inorder to meet men who LOVE BIG WOMEN!!!! UGHHHHHH!!!

 If there was a moment in my life when I knew that I could see the end of a friendship in big clear letters it was then!  I was not into any kind of weird fetish club!  Some people like to look at women’s hands etc…..I do not want to be put in that category. 

 Yes I am big….but no I do not want someone who is looking for a WOMAN MY SIZE!  How dare  you!  I am not a car,   mini van,  coup deville,  or corvet that you pick out at the showroom. 

 Picture this, “Oh, yes we have the model you are looking for,  Large Brown Woman,  Gap in front of teeth, teeth more yellow than white,  This is our used model category of woman though,  but very, very, very reliable! 

 Great mileage….hardly used at all,  only bore one child.  But alas,  this is a late model you know….a baby boomer.  But she does put in a hard days work, despite the now recent weigh in of 269.1pounds! 

 Her legs are strong.  She has actual ankles,  not cankles, you know the calve, and ankles combo….she has distinct ankles for her age and weight. 

She takes her water pills and blood pressure pills quite faithfully.   Yes she is our  SEDAN VERSION OF A LARGE WOMAN….A LITTLE BIT LUXURY, AND A LITTLE BIT ECONOMY….YOU KNOW–SHE IS THE HARD WORKING TYPE…NOT THE PINK FEATHER TOE, BON BON EATING TYPE….SO HERE SHE IS!” 

 See how degrading that all seems?  It is silly, but that is how annoyed my small framed, low weight male friend felt when he made that comment to me.

  And I told him about it….that is right!  If I was a beautiful woman with long flowing black curly hair, I would not want anyone to tell me to go to a club where woman that look like me would find a match of a man who likes woman with black curly hair! 

 Everyone wants to be loved for the unique qualities that are within their spirit and their heart.  No one wants to be picked out for their strange shaped forehead or something. 

 I am not a cow,  a cat or a car.  Treat me special please!   ooooh,  I digress!  I am sorry,  I kind of went off on a tangent didn’t I?  Okay, where were we,  Oh,  yes. 

Being overweight might appeal to some,  but where are it’s health benefits if any?  I heard it today, on  2/15/08….on my favorite radio news station 1010 wins—that there is a direct correlation to health and cancer based on weight according to a study done. 

 (The WHO that did the study has slipped my mind at this time—but it does not matter,  I have heard that statement from my doctor many, many, many times!) 

My problem today,  to correlate to that “new so-called statistical data finding…my back has been aching for the past month now.  It hurts just above the kidney aread…or at it directly. 

 One morning on a Monday to be exact,  I woke up and was too dizzy and weak to make it to work.  I called out sick and made my doctor appointment which I had been putting off. 

 When I told the doctor about this constant pain after I eat meals, drink, or have to move around too much, she took blood.  Since I have highblood pressure and my child Daniel has been getting sick lately I chalked it up to stress. 

But to be on the safe side…lets not ignore ole’ Betsy the Sedan Large and Lovely Body Beautiful….shall we?  So  blood tests all done,  and now MamoGrahm, and GYN up next too. 

 We must check out the facts about weight and health correlation!  I do not want to be the guinea Hippo here…but this is really for myself, and my family.

  I am merely sharing this oh, so very private health condition, and issues with you to help you women who are in my mid-forties, and 269.1 category….not to direct to you a CLUB for large babes….but to direct you to a better state of mind in regards to your daily health! 

 Remember…..our families need us to live long enough to see them grow, and mature,  and be there for babies and all like that.

  So,  do me and you a favor,….no I do not know where the club for Big Gals and the men who love them are….I would not allow my male friend tell me where to go….because I am mentally a Big Gal with a Medium,  healthy weight woman rising!

   (could not resist the horoscope correlation…ladies!)  So  seriously,  take the time to check out your aches and pains.  I personally believe in natural weight loss.  I am afraid of that lap band surgery. 

There  are two women that are on my job right now that have lost tremendous weight, from the surgery.  But see,  I cannot be happy not eating!  I am a foodie! 

 No,  I do not binge,  I just like a good cooked meal.  I have bad habits for eating dinner late into the night and then going immediately to bed.  I have to get up early,  around 5 am.  I always feel sick. 

 Sometimes I will throw up while brushing my teeth, because  the food from the late night dinner after I worked overtime at my job,  did not digest properly.  You know that when you lay down to sleep your digestive track has the nerve to stop working right? 

 So production stops and all that food becomes are hard nasty lump in the pit of your stomach and when you awake you feel nauseaous!  Ugh!

So  getting back to our, yours and my health.

  Check out those aches and pains and call Jenny Craig,  WeightWatchers and First CALL YOUR DOCTOR AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT…..TAKE A FRIEND WITH YOU IF YOU ARE SCARED…..BUT GO,  BIG GALS GO!  —All joking aside….look in the mirror,  you are beautiful,  but your heart will love you more if you take good care of it! 

And one more thing Ladies….In honor of Women’s heart month…..and Valentines Day—Take care of your heart and it will take care of you!   Happy Valentines Day!

Take care,  until next weight and health blog—

riveroflifelisajoy!!!

TWICE REMOVED- reflections on losing a loved one to skizophrenia — by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY

hunger-in-a-box.jpgThis picture was painted with water color and it is called “hunger in a box” in August  2007 by riveroflifelisajoy.—It represents the lack of  understanding, and lack of support for the families of those suffering with  skizophrenia in todays  society. 

It is the last and final taboo that no one wants to talk about in 2008  and before.  Maybe things will change as people open up a forum and talk about the dilemmas that are created for the families of the afflicted persons.    

 This  little essay is based on the poem…”Don’t love me too much.–by riveroflifelisajoy (me).    My husband  was a corrections officer for seven years ,  he was hired and had to withstand psychological evaluation and he had passed.

  Yet after seven years of  being a corrections officer at RikersIsland, a father, homeowner,  owner of three cars, and a time share in the Poconos, and husband –we,  He and I  had  stood  looking at the crossroads. 

 We had come to the end of our journey together.  In sickness and in health,  till death do us part.  I even allowed myself to  state that I would honor and obey him to the gasp of all in the church during our wedding.  People were shocked for some reason.

  For today’s women they want to be much more independent than that.  How could I want to honor….but much worse….OBEY?  Malachi?  I  think that the women in the church thought I had brought them back 100 years before the femminist revolution.

  Who cares?  I thought;  Malachi had proven himself trust worthy.  His gentle ways, and care and concern were continuous throughout our 2 1/2  year relationship before our marriage. 

 He gave utmost care and compassion to my mother and her problems with her house.  My Malachi painted the rooms of my mother’s house before he married me. 

 He did not try to take advantage of my mother by asking her for money or loans of any type.   Instead he allowed her to ask him for help which he gave without financial gain.  He told me  that since  I lived with my mother,  that he wanted me in a nice looking house.

  He wanted me happy and healthy.  One day he picked me up from work and then pulled over and proposed to me.  I was warmed and at peace—I said yes.  It was beautiful.

When Malachi became a corrections officer  he  changed  after a  few years on the job.  That job is difficult and stressful.  Things have changed quite a bit from those days (1995)….or so I have heard. 

 Before my  dear Malachi had a  goal to become a minister–but then his attitude began to change after we purchased our home.  He had worked atleast 70 to 80 hours per week of overtime to make the money to buy our home. 

 After that it seemed that the stress took its affect.

Losing him affected me and our child and further more the entire extention of Malachi’s family–His family lived in deep denial and blamed and attacked me on behalf of Malachi. 

His family also was quite well off finanically and could afford to care for him without him taking out social security benefits at the young age of 35 years old.

  They did not want my son to aquire social secuity benefits because I would be the person in charge of the money that would come to my son. I would also be eligible as a legally married woman…which of course I was and still am. 

 My son stood to receive $700.00 per month based on his father’s disability. 

 Therefore,  my mother inlaw bluntly informed me that I was to go back home to my mother because I was going to lose my house; and that I would crawl on the ground for the rest of my life for money.

  I returned home to my mother and I did lose my house. My son has never received “child support”, or the social security benefits that his father should have applied for–but never did.  

 Malachi’s  mother tried to take my son from me by means of ploting and lying.  She did not succeed.   But she  created a lack of family in my son’s life for nine years.

  Instead of the family coming together during Malachi’s time of need…they separated and attacked me. 

 They  combined as a family in order to  assault  me…but separated from me and Malchi’s son.

   I was told by Malachi’s uncle , who was a Assistant Pastor in his church, not to ask for any help.

  I  was left with over two hundred thousand dollars  of  debt. My house  went into foreclosure and I could not sell it without Malachi’s signature;  my son and I moved back to my mother’s house.

  I became emotionally bankrupt…but most of all financially bankrupt.  So Skizophrenia did more than just attack the mind and body of my husband Malachi. 

There have been many crying nights.  But the power   has been in people who have challenged me to continue on and have faith for the best.

But you see my Malachi had been stabbed in the top of his head when he was a corrections officer.  He handled it well at the time…but that did not stop the after affects. 

The illness that he suffered was not caused by the job…but yet it could have been aggrevated nonetheless. 

Malachi had resigned from his job before it was found out that he was sick.  Therefore there was nothing the job was obligated to do for me as the wife,  or Malachi himself.  Such is life.

But I always know that the disease is distructive and takes away loved ones.  See,  my Malachi refused to take medication and his parents agreed. 

 Thus  the missing Malachi.  He walked away from everything and everyone he knew.  He lived a tortured life…believing he was being chased by several unseen to the naked eye–foes.

His life was a good one…yet the family is left to suffer and live on without answers to the unknown….(whether he is dead or alive).

  Unfortunately it is true…most mentally ill people if not on medication become statistics and homeless people on the streets,  jails,  or hospital wards in prisons  for the mentally ill—or worse yet….DEAD. 

 The  mentally ill die on the streets even in the United States ….actually throughout the world.  I will add the facts from a research essay I wrote later on.

For now….till  next blog….

…..hope all is well with you and yours—-riveroflifelisajoy!

“Don’t Love me too much” –haiku prose- by riveroflifelisajoy

still-life.jpg

 ***Oil paint of still life by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY  8/07 

 ****************************************************

Don’t love me too much

he said, and I held him tighter

You have to love G-d more

I do, I said.

No…you don’t

he said

I grew angry that

he saw through my

tears of fear

I feared loss

I feared loneliness

I feared the emptiness

and empty bed

I loved him

We would embrace

and our “unique” addition

to the Eskimo nose kiss was

our left eye to right eye touch

Our eyes and cheeks would touch

He would flutter his eye lashes on mine

I would try to see within his soul

through my mind’s eye

Don’t love me too much

You have got to love G-d more

We held hands even in our sleep

We would entwine our legs even

in our sleep

We awoke and talked of our

goals

He would jump up and bring

a paper to bed and show me the

plans he had written the day

before

I would look on and think

I  AM  –lucky, or proper term

blessed I was to

have a man with vision

goals and dreams

I would hug him and

close my eyes and

be so happy

I just want to be happy

I said

“It is not about you

It is not about me

It is about what we can do for

others he said

His goals were plain

His goals were simple

Help those around you

Do what you can for the

disadvantaged

Jobs, training,  youth, and

prayer

He wanted to be a minister

He wanted me to be there

A dark cloud approached

and my sunny day faded to

black

I could no longer hug his strong

muscular back

For he was gone

Skizzzz

Soooo

FREAAAAAA

NEEEEEE

YAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

A gutteral,

primitive scream!!!

That horrible disease

destroyed my dream

Darkness took over

tentacles crawled from the

depths of hell

and dragged him down

a so,– so deep well

Don’t love me so much!!

was all I could hear

Take care of my son,

to me you will always be

dear!!!!!

Continue to sing,

and give to the poor

for in that you will not

lose me….ever more!!!!

So I continue to help

I continue to give

Although my arms ache,

the lost love that

I can no longer take

I understand now

I ponder and think

What did he see

beyond that ugly,

ugly, brink?

I have not lost him

when at last I think

he  has been in every

good deed

I will not falter

until my dying day

Although there is no

grave plot

No memorial for him

for that ugly, ugly

monster has  claimed

him from within

He is missing,

traveling a road I can

not find

Missing in body—

missing in mind

SKIZOPHRENIA!

He is gone, for nine years

Don’t love me too much

Hold on to G-d

I did grow strong

I will go on

But I will always

love him

from now on

Do not feel sorry for me

For I have suffered great

loss

But I have no regrets

For great was the love

some would call it soul

mate

I call it a blessing from

above

He was my teacher,

my mentor,

my best friend

my lover

my husband

He had a good and

honorable job

as a Corrections Officer

yet he was taken from me by

illness beyond my control

His goals and dreams never to

be fulfilled

But yet he still lives on

Don’t love me too much

—but I do

———————-Fini’

riveroflifelisajoy