Riveroflifelisajoy’s Weblog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

Archive for Art

COTTON MOUTH

Jay Jewels Cry FOR HUMANITYDry like the parchment of the

scroll of a writ

of so long ago

Thousands of years

hid away

Moments in the hands of

an anthropologist

crackling under his

sweaty palms

grasp

the dry old parchment

will melt away

if not put in sealed

archival containers

dry like the old linen dress

of yesteryear

like a ball of cottom in my mouth

the medical diagnosis

has come and gone

and now my sensations are

minimized

except for the diagnosis

pain that is ripping its’

way deep into my heart.

Trying to explain to my

child that he has to

take medication to save his

life.

Cotton mouth,

loss of taste for the

things you love.

Loss of sensation in my

feet and hands

Sitting I type not

feeling, not

wanting to feel the pain

deep searing a tunnel through

my stomach

I feel full,

gas overcomes my belly

cotton mouth

prevents me from

eating

like the fullness of

emptiness I hold

deep in my belly to

unfold until I scream from

pain and agony

Take the truth,

dealt the truth

no compassion

was the final blow

given

lost in a new

hell

fear of the unknown and

the diagonosis compells

the rickety fence of hell to

open and reveal the ominous

cavern that threatens to swallow

us whole

We must proceed my child

we must go in

Cotton mouth,

sweaty palms,

sweaty feet,

sudden compulsion to

release bodily fluids,

fight or flight sydrome

in full affect

compel me oh Lord

toward the light

Let taste return

Cotton Mouth–

I cannot swallow

for the diagnosis

itself is not paletable

The diagnosis was

given with such cold

precision like the blade

of the surgeons knife

Hold my hand my child

walk together we will

toward the tower of hell

but together we will

climb to heaven

despite the steely grasp of the  Cotton mouth!

Advertisements

Cross Over

Old Fabric by RiveroflifelisajoyCross Over and move out the way

Sometimes the river does not

sway,  the tide is high  and

my spirit is low

I do not want to look back

or let go

What do I say  to my child

to day

His love of life has

been challenged,

like a dry twig broken

and chips of it splinter

and fall away

His health is  limited

yet a picture of health

is he

So why this sad problem

that plagues me today

The doctor looks cool, and

medical team too serene

Your child has to take

xxxmiligrams and

that is all…

Have a nice day

Go forth, leave the

hospital and jump back

into the stream. river of life

and move on

after this limited 5 day

hospital stay

But wait,  I have more questions,

What about the side affects….

“OH, he just might be a bit sleepy…that is all

any way…have a good day!

No, NO!  I need to say this,  I have to ask

that….do not dismiss me so easily

For I must fight for my child

I must question, and stay longer if

I must

For though you are the doctor…I cannot

entirely trust

for each patient has

different needs, and questions…so let us reason,

let us rationalize before we say our goodbyes!

So again I say dear Doctor

today—crossover from your generalized sermon, and

medical doctrine

Crossover to a parent who is human, and alive..

Because the condition of which you speak

is not simple to me

not simple to my child

just simple medical diagnosis to you

So please….cross over from the cold

cruel world  of illness

disease

and  speak

Woman to Woman,  possibly Mother to Mother

please.

Fini

Riveroflifelisajoy

Parents, children, teens….COMMUNICATE THROUGH ART WORK AND THE FINE ARTS….TRY IT ….YOU AND THE FAMILY JUST MIGHT LIKE IT!!!!!

nature-meets-construction-by-riveroflifelisajoy-number-two-scan.jpgNATURE MEETS CONSTRUCTION” BY RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY   

I felt led to curl my lines, and then I found a ruler that called out to me.  I blended  two types of lines and found that the sharp pointed edges and the curled soft ones could coexist!–thus…”Nature Meets Construction”—  

  Check out JayJewels work at the Fireoflifejayjewels @wordpress.com. Jay Jewels my son is 14 years old and shares my love of the arts! 

When you cannot afford the movies, and video rental but you have a piece of pen and paper….draw….

I draw for my health, and strength.  I love the arts!  Try it!  You might bring down your blood pressure, and increase positive outlook!

Get the family in on  art work too.  Grandmother, baby,  husband,  and teenagers….have a family night and get a lot of art supplies and see what you and your loved ones can create with a crayon, or paint.  Remember to use news paper on your tables.

If you are suffering from family loss,  sometimes you can express yourself better by drawing out your feelings in a picture.  Some pictures may be dark, but so what?  Let those feelings out and you will ease some of the pain.  Hey,  nothing beats a try!  You might enjoy it!

Job stress tends to shorten lives.  Paint,  hobbies,  knitting,  singing,  writing helps. 

Spend time talking to your kids over a jar of crayons, construction paper and finger paints.  For the older kids get the chinese ink and water color.  You will see that alot of things get talked about during art work time in your house.  Then make dinner and see how peaceful meal time can be after a Saturday of Art work!!!!

TWICE REMOVED- reflections on losing a loved one to skizophrenia — by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY

hunger-in-a-box.jpgThis picture was painted with water color and it is called “hunger in a box” in August  2007 by riveroflifelisajoy.—It represents the lack of  understanding, and lack of support for the families of those suffering with  skizophrenia in todays  society. 

It is the last and final taboo that no one wants to talk about in 2008  and before.  Maybe things will change as people open up a forum and talk about the dilemmas that are created for the families of the afflicted persons.    

 This  little essay is based on the poem…”Don’t love me too much.–by riveroflifelisajoy (me).    My husband  was a corrections officer for seven years ,  he was hired and had to withstand psychological evaluation and he had passed.

  Yet after seven years of  being a corrections officer at RikersIsland, a father, homeowner,  owner of three cars, and a time share in the Poconos, and husband –we,  He and I  had  stood  looking at the crossroads. 

 We had come to the end of our journey together.  In sickness and in health,  till death do us part.  I even allowed myself to  state that I would honor and obey him to the gasp of all in the church during our wedding.  People were shocked for some reason.

  For today’s women they want to be much more independent than that.  How could I want to honor….but much worse….OBEY?  Malachi?  I  think that the women in the church thought I had brought them back 100 years before the femminist revolution.

  Who cares?  I thought;  Malachi had proven himself trust worthy.  His gentle ways, and care and concern were continuous throughout our 2 1/2  year relationship before our marriage. 

 He gave utmost care and compassion to my mother and her problems with her house.  My Malachi painted the rooms of my mother’s house before he married me. 

 He did not try to take advantage of my mother by asking her for money or loans of any type.   Instead he allowed her to ask him for help which he gave without financial gain.  He told me  that since  I lived with my mother,  that he wanted me in a nice looking house.

  He wanted me happy and healthy.  One day he picked me up from work and then pulled over and proposed to me.  I was warmed and at peace—I said yes.  It was beautiful.

When Malachi became a corrections officer  he  changed  after a  few years on the job.  That job is difficult and stressful.  Things have changed quite a bit from those days (1995)….or so I have heard. 

 Before my  dear Malachi had a  goal to become a minister–but then his attitude began to change after we purchased our home.  He had worked atleast 70 to 80 hours per week of overtime to make the money to buy our home. 

 After that it seemed that the stress took its affect.

Losing him affected me and our child and further more the entire extention of Malachi’s family–His family lived in deep denial and blamed and attacked me on behalf of Malachi. 

His family also was quite well off finanically and could afford to care for him without him taking out social security benefits at the young age of 35 years old.

  They did not want my son to aquire social secuity benefits because I would be the person in charge of the money that would come to my son. I would also be eligible as a legally married woman…which of course I was and still am. 

 My son stood to receive $700.00 per month based on his father’s disability. 

 Therefore,  my mother inlaw bluntly informed me that I was to go back home to my mother because I was going to lose my house; and that I would crawl on the ground for the rest of my life for money.

  I returned home to my mother and I did lose my house. My son has never received “child support”, or the social security benefits that his father should have applied for–but never did.  

 Malachi’s  mother tried to take my son from me by means of ploting and lying.  She did not succeed.   But she  created a lack of family in my son’s life for nine years.

  Instead of the family coming together during Malachi’s time of need…they separated and attacked me. 

 They  combined as a family in order to  assault  me…but separated from me and Malchi’s son.

   I was told by Malachi’s uncle , who was a Assistant Pastor in his church, not to ask for any help.

  I  was left with over two hundred thousand dollars  of  debt. My house  went into foreclosure and I could not sell it without Malachi’s signature;  my son and I moved back to my mother’s house.

  I became emotionally bankrupt…but most of all financially bankrupt.  So Skizophrenia did more than just attack the mind and body of my husband Malachi. 

There have been many crying nights.  But the power   has been in people who have challenged me to continue on and have faith for the best.

But you see my Malachi had been stabbed in the top of his head when he was a corrections officer.  He handled it well at the time…but that did not stop the after affects. 

The illness that he suffered was not caused by the job…but yet it could have been aggrevated nonetheless. 

Malachi had resigned from his job before it was found out that he was sick.  Therefore there was nothing the job was obligated to do for me as the wife,  or Malachi himself.  Such is life.

But I always know that the disease is distructive and takes away loved ones.  See,  my Malachi refused to take medication and his parents agreed. 

 Thus  the missing Malachi.  He walked away from everything and everyone he knew.  He lived a tortured life…believing he was being chased by several unseen to the naked eye–foes.

His life was a good one…yet the family is left to suffer and live on without answers to the unknown….(whether he is dead or alive).

  Unfortunately it is true…most mentally ill people if not on medication become statistics and homeless people on the streets,  jails,  or hospital wards in prisons  for the mentally ill—or worse yet….DEAD. 

 The  mentally ill die on the streets even in the United States ….actually throughout the world.  I will add the facts from a research essay I wrote later on.

For now….till  next blog….

…..hope all is well with you and yours—-riveroflifelisajoy!

“Don’t Love me too much” –haiku prose- by riveroflifelisajoy

still-life.jpg

 ***Oil paint of still life by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY  8/07 

 ****************************************************

Don’t love me too much

he said, and I held him tighter

You have to love G-d more

I do, I said.

No…you don’t

he said

I grew angry that

he saw through my

tears of fear

I feared loss

I feared loneliness

I feared the emptiness

and empty bed

I loved him

We would embrace

and our “unique” addition

to the Eskimo nose kiss was

our left eye to right eye touch

Our eyes and cheeks would touch

He would flutter his eye lashes on mine

I would try to see within his soul

through my mind’s eye

Don’t love me too much

You have got to love G-d more

We held hands even in our sleep

We would entwine our legs even

in our sleep

We awoke and talked of our

goals

He would jump up and bring

a paper to bed and show me the

plans he had written the day

before

I would look on and think

I  AM  –lucky, or proper term

blessed I was to

have a man with vision

goals and dreams

I would hug him and

close my eyes and

be so happy

I just want to be happy

I said

“It is not about you

It is not about me

It is about what we can do for

others he said

His goals were plain

His goals were simple

Help those around you

Do what you can for the

disadvantaged

Jobs, training,  youth, and

prayer

He wanted to be a minister

He wanted me to be there

A dark cloud approached

and my sunny day faded to

black

I could no longer hug his strong

muscular back

For he was gone

Skizzzz

Soooo

FREAAAAAA

NEEEEEE

YAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

A gutteral,

primitive scream!!!

That horrible disease

destroyed my dream

Darkness took over

tentacles crawled from the

depths of hell

and dragged him down

a so,– so deep well

Don’t love me so much!!

was all I could hear

Take care of my son,

to me you will always be

dear!!!!!

Continue to sing,

and give to the poor

for in that you will not

lose me….ever more!!!!

So I continue to help

I continue to give

Although my arms ache,

the lost love that

I can no longer take

I understand now

I ponder and think

What did he see

beyond that ugly,

ugly, brink?

I have not lost him

when at last I think

he  has been in every

good deed

I will not falter

until my dying day

Although there is no

grave plot

No memorial for him

for that ugly, ugly

monster has  claimed

him from within

He is missing,

traveling a road I can

not find

Missing in body—

missing in mind

SKIZOPHRENIA!

He is gone, for nine years

Don’t love me too much

Hold on to G-d

I did grow strong

I will go on

But I will always

love him

from now on

Do not feel sorry for me

For I have suffered great

loss

But I have no regrets

For great was the love

some would call it soul

mate

I call it a blessing from

above

He was my teacher,

my mentor,

my best friend

my lover

my husband

He had a good and

honorable job

as a Corrections Officer

yet he was taken from me by

illness beyond my control

His goals and dreams never to

be fulfilled

But yet he still lives on

Don’t love me too much

—but I do

———————-Fini’

riveroflifelisajoy

BEING THANKFUL FOR THE BAD TIMES

LIFE STARTS HERE.jpgI sometimes grow tired

I wonder when will the hard times end.

I gather myself, and look around

I find the strength within

A face, a glance a smile and there

I get myself back on the road again.

Why do I complain when I look up into

the sky down comes the rain

The rain that feeds the crops for food,

and gives water for drink and

prevents forest fires

Shall I complain when I have a job

just because someone there does not

like me?

Should I complain because someone in

the family is sick

atleast I have a doctor and health insurance

So as well meaning friends and family have

repeated to me so many times

Learn to be thankful for the bad times

For those times might be better than times to come

Issues in the future from which you would like to

gather yourself and run

Don’t look down at the road and mumble that it is

bumpy—atleast the road is there

Do not despair for life is for those who grasp it

and hold tight…

never to give up the fight.

If I had a dream for a castle and and prince

that never came to save me –no worry

for I must go forth unsaved by the knight in

shining armor….I will reach for and save myself

gather myself, and go forward and handle the future come what

may….

And be very, very thankful for the bad times….even for today.

prose and thoughts by

RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY–TILL NEXT BLOG—

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

My New Year’s Resolution–It’s Gonna Be Great In 2008!!!

LIFE STARTS HERE.jpgNo matter what…I will resolve

to improve my status in life!

I  want to go in the direction of

Peace with my fellow man

I want to develop a clear and

concise plan

I will  move in the direction of harmony with

all.  But will not give up my self-respect

Because if I do,  I have wasted this long,  long up hill

trek.

Will you take my hand,

My fellow man?

Can we together rise,

up toward the heavenly skies to

bring down the fighting across the

globe?

Can we bring down the pain and suffering

in the lives of men,  women, and children?

Can we find ways to stay the course, and

not have to live out our lives full of

remorse?  From good deeds left undone,

from victories left not won?

Can you search deep within,  and see the one true love

of mankind that will give us the answer

and the goal that is about to unfold in the

coming year?

Does every year new have to begin with

Tears?

Can we shout in victory together, all man kind

of  every race, creed and religion? 

All of mankind of all lifestyles, and traditions

Can we this year….of 2008  be ready,  be real,

and prepared to be GREAT?

What say you, my fellowman kind and womankind–Are we up for the challenge to participate in the year 2008!

Come forward, and do not fear,  the end of the 2007 is drawing to an end. 

I hope you will take the challenge and  assist this beautiful world on which we reside to come to a mend and heal from deep inside.

You do not have to believe in the same God as I do. 

Just place your foot, within your shoe and take just

one step forward.

Take another step forward toward your destiny.

There is a purpose for all of us on this globe called earth!

Do not be afraid to see your value,  see your worth!

I will pray for you.  I will pray for myself…

I will pray that the Almighty God above reveal his love to one and all!  That you,  your friends, and family  and I will

receive joy, peace and prosperity in the coming year 2008!

Just do not forget to open the gate for the poor,  the down trodden,  the sick,  and the weak.—

For those who have received much….much is required back to assist those who are yet on the road as pilgrims seeking salvation and peace.

May the God of all—The Alpha and Omega

the Beginning and the End —give you all that you need to succeed in 2008! 

I resolve to be a help and not a hinderance on that road  toward our goals of man-kinds success!

Till next blog

RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY!