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Archive for Skizophrenia

TWICE REMOVED- reflections on losing a loved one to skizophrenia — by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY

hunger-in-a-box.jpgThis picture was painted with water color and it is called “hunger in a box” in August  2007 by riveroflifelisajoy.—It represents the lack of  understanding, and lack of support for the families of those suffering with  skizophrenia in todays  society. 

It is the last and final taboo that no one wants to talk about in 2008  and before.  Maybe things will change as people open up a forum and talk about the dilemmas that are created for the families of the afflicted persons.    

 This  little essay is based on the poem…”Don’t love me too much.–by riveroflifelisajoy (me).    My husband  was a corrections officer for seven years ,  he was hired and had to withstand psychological evaluation and he had passed.

  Yet after seven years of  being a corrections officer at RikersIsland, a father, homeowner,  owner of three cars, and a time share in the Poconos, and husband –we,  He and I  had  stood  looking at the crossroads. 

 We had come to the end of our journey together.  In sickness and in health,  till death do us part.  I even allowed myself to  state that I would honor and obey him to the gasp of all in the church during our wedding.  People were shocked for some reason.

  For today’s women they want to be much more independent than that.  How could I want to honor….but much worse….OBEY?  Malachi?  I  think that the women in the church thought I had brought them back 100 years before the femminist revolution.

  Who cares?  I thought;  Malachi had proven himself trust worthy.  His gentle ways, and care and concern were continuous throughout our 2 1/2  year relationship before our marriage. 

 He gave utmost care and compassion to my mother and her problems with her house.  My Malachi painted the rooms of my mother’s house before he married me. 

 He did not try to take advantage of my mother by asking her for money or loans of any type.   Instead he allowed her to ask him for help which he gave without financial gain.  He told me  that since  I lived with my mother,  that he wanted me in a nice looking house.

  He wanted me happy and healthy.  One day he picked me up from work and then pulled over and proposed to me.  I was warmed and at peace—I said yes.  It was beautiful.

When Malachi became a corrections officer  he  changed  after a  few years on the job.  That job is difficult and stressful.  Things have changed quite a bit from those days (1995)….or so I have heard. 

 Before my  dear Malachi had a  goal to become a minister–but then his attitude began to change after we purchased our home.  He had worked atleast 70 to 80 hours per week of overtime to make the money to buy our home. 

 After that it seemed that the stress took its affect.

Losing him affected me and our child and further more the entire extention of Malachi’s family–His family lived in deep denial and blamed and attacked me on behalf of Malachi. 

His family also was quite well off finanically and could afford to care for him without him taking out social security benefits at the young age of 35 years old.

  They did not want my son to aquire social secuity benefits because I would be the person in charge of the money that would come to my son. I would also be eligible as a legally married woman…which of course I was and still am. 

 My son stood to receive $700.00 per month based on his father’s disability. 

 Therefore,  my mother inlaw bluntly informed me that I was to go back home to my mother because I was going to lose my house; and that I would crawl on the ground for the rest of my life for money.

  I returned home to my mother and I did lose my house. My son has never received “child support”, or the social security benefits that his father should have applied for–but never did.  

 Malachi’s  mother tried to take my son from me by means of ploting and lying.  She did not succeed.   But she  created a lack of family in my son’s life for nine years.

  Instead of the family coming together during Malachi’s time of need…they separated and attacked me. 

 They  combined as a family in order to  assault  me…but separated from me and Malchi’s son.

   I was told by Malachi’s uncle , who was a Assistant Pastor in his church, not to ask for any help.

  I  was left with over two hundred thousand dollars  of  debt. My house  went into foreclosure and I could not sell it without Malachi’s signature;  my son and I moved back to my mother’s house.

  I became emotionally bankrupt…but most of all financially bankrupt.  So Skizophrenia did more than just attack the mind and body of my husband Malachi. 

There have been many crying nights.  But the power   has been in people who have challenged me to continue on and have faith for the best.

But you see my Malachi had been stabbed in the top of his head when he was a corrections officer.  He handled it well at the time…but that did not stop the after affects. 

The illness that he suffered was not caused by the job…but yet it could have been aggrevated nonetheless. 

Malachi had resigned from his job before it was found out that he was sick.  Therefore there was nothing the job was obligated to do for me as the wife,  or Malachi himself.  Such is life.

But I always know that the disease is distructive and takes away loved ones.  See,  my Malachi refused to take medication and his parents agreed. 

 Thus  the missing Malachi.  He walked away from everything and everyone he knew.  He lived a tortured life…believing he was being chased by several unseen to the naked eye–foes.

His life was a good one…yet the family is left to suffer and live on without answers to the unknown….(whether he is dead or alive).

  Unfortunately it is true…most mentally ill people if not on medication become statistics and homeless people on the streets,  jails,  or hospital wards in prisons  for the mentally ill—or worse yet….DEAD. 

 The  mentally ill die on the streets even in the United States ….actually throughout the world.  I will add the facts from a research essay I wrote later on.

For now….till  next blog….

…..hope all is well with you and yours—-riveroflifelisajoy!

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“Don’t Love me too much” –haiku prose- by riveroflifelisajoy

still-life.jpg

 ***Oil paint of still life by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY  8/07 

 ****************************************************

Don’t love me too much

he said, and I held him tighter

You have to love G-d more

I do, I said.

No…you don’t

he said

I grew angry that

he saw through my

tears of fear

I feared loss

I feared loneliness

I feared the emptiness

and empty bed

I loved him

We would embrace

and our “unique” addition

to the Eskimo nose kiss was

our left eye to right eye touch

Our eyes and cheeks would touch

He would flutter his eye lashes on mine

I would try to see within his soul

through my mind’s eye

Don’t love me too much

You have got to love G-d more

We held hands even in our sleep

We would entwine our legs even

in our sleep

We awoke and talked of our

goals

He would jump up and bring

a paper to bed and show me the

plans he had written the day

before

I would look on and think

I  AM  –lucky, or proper term

blessed I was to

have a man with vision

goals and dreams

I would hug him and

close my eyes and

be so happy

I just want to be happy

I said

“It is not about you

It is not about me

It is about what we can do for

others he said

His goals were plain

His goals were simple

Help those around you

Do what you can for the

disadvantaged

Jobs, training,  youth, and

prayer

He wanted to be a minister

He wanted me to be there

A dark cloud approached

and my sunny day faded to

black

I could no longer hug his strong

muscular back

For he was gone

Skizzzz

Soooo

FREAAAAAA

NEEEEEE

YAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

A gutteral,

primitive scream!!!

That horrible disease

destroyed my dream

Darkness took over

tentacles crawled from the

depths of hell

and dragged him down

a so,– so deep well

Don’t love me so much!!

was all I could hear

Take care of my son,

to me you will always be

dear!!!!!

Continue to sing,

and give to the poor

for in that you will not

lose me….ever more!!!!

So I continue to help

I continue to give

Although my arms ache,

the lost love that

I can no longer take

I understand now

I ponder and think

What did he see

beyond that ugly,

ugly, brink?

I have not lost him

when at last I think

he  has been in every

good deed

I will not falter

until my dying day

Although there is no

grave plot

No memorial for him

for that ugly, ugly

monster has  claimed

him from within

He is missing,

traveling a road I can

not find

Missing in body—

missing in mind

SKIZOPHRENIA!

He is gone, for nine years

Don’t love me too much

Hold on to G-d

I did grow strong

I will go on

But I will always

love him

from now on

Do not feel sorry for me

For I have suffered great

loss

But I have no regrets

For great was the love

some would call it soul

mate

I call it a blessing from

above

He was my teacher,

my mentor,

my best friend

my lover

my husband

He had a good and

honorable job

as a Corrections Officer

yet he was taken from me by

illness beyond my control

His goals and dreams never to

be fulfilled

But yet he still lives on

Don’t love me too much

—but I do

———————-Fini’

riveroflifelisajoy