Riveroflifelisajoy’s Weblog

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Fun fun fun fun! It is Summer!

IMG_20130609_142836_2To most  people  summer  is  a great  time  to  relax  and  enjoy their  families and  go on trips. However  for me  this  year  is  a bit  different.  I am  stuck in the  house  seven days  a week twenty fore hours  a day.  Several things  happened this  year….I had  a unforeseen accident and  I have several medical  issues  I must  address.  So  there you have it.  But  wait…does that  mean  I am  not having  any fun?  Not  at  all!  Let  me  give you the  run down on what  to do  when  you are stuck in your house and  cannot  get  out  due to circumstances …here  goes!


My  love  of  singing  keeps me  busy and  my  love  of  my  wild  birds  outside my  house  keeps me  even  busier.  I wake up in the  morning  and  I go  feed them  seeds  and  a few crusts  of  bread.  

I  find  this  time of day the best…so  serene and  peaceful.  I  wake up at about  5:30.  I  walk to the back  door and  sit on the  ramp.  I have  a  nice  lounge  chair. My little  friends  come  out,  the  squirrels,  the  sparrows,  the  peasants,  the pigeons, and  even  starlings.  They  know  my voice…but  I am  very quiet at  this  time of the  morning.  So  I just  throw the  seeds  off of my  ramp and  sit  back  and  watch the  show.  Sometimes  I am  in  a lot of  pain so  I just  close my eyes  and  put my  head back on the  chair. Wow, you need  to get up before  the  world  starts  moving  and  sit quietly,  you will feel  different for the rest of your  day. 

Recently my  son gave  me  his  Cannon EOS T3 Digital Camera. I enjoy this  a lot.  I have  posted at least 363 pictures on flicker!  They  are variety of  pictures that  range from the  wild birds eating  seeds to  the  many shapely clouds that  I see early in the  morning  directly over my  head. I have  a great  love of  the  sky.  I get  sleepy sometimes  while  I gaze up at the  clouds  and   take  a little  nap.  Taking  a nap  sometimes  helps  pain,  and  exhausting that  comes from lack of sleep from pain. So  my  early  morning  prayer and  wild  bird feeding  is  fun!

My  son is  a graphic  art and  design major.  He  also  writes  music on his  computer.  I  enjoy hours  of  talking to him about  his  goals  and listening to his  write songs  and  play them  for  me  and  his  grandmother, (my mother).  Sometimes  he  does not  go to sleep until 4:00 in the morning.  So  if I am  not  well,  I may  be up  with him till the  crack of  dawn….hence my 5:30 am bird feeding.

Yes  sometimes  I am  groggy most of  the  day  but  if the pain persists that  is  what  I have  to deal with.  But  I can forget those  aches  and pains  when I  sit and enjoy  my  sons’ music. Sometimes  laying  on my back, or  sides  is  difficult and that  is  why  I do not  sleep well.

But  anyway,  another  fun  activity  is  watching  adventure movies made for the summer!  I have at least 40 or  so movies in a  book binder.  I have  been watching  Annaconda!  It  is  such  a  C List  movie  and  the  OVER  ACTING against the CGI Snake  is  hilarious!  I even  got my  son  to see how funny it  is!  Another  good  movie I have in my collection is  Thor…#1.  It is  adventure and  romance rolled into one!  I  recently found  Dr. Doolittle in my  collection!  My son was even  happy!  For  a 21 year old  to  feel  nostalgia for such  a  movie brings  a feeling  a  closeness and  reminds  me  of  my younger  pain free days  with my “little boy’..

Fun Fun Fun in the summer….even  if I cannot  make it to the  beach or  park…I have found  fun inside the house!  Try it  sometime…you might  even  save a few  bucks!  

Till next  time,  RiverofLifeLisajoy





Last week I finally did it.  I went and had a MAMMOGRAPHY done!  I was scared so very scared.  But I was not feeling well for weeks.  Not because of that…but I am extremely tired.  That is why I have not been blogging lately. 

 I am so tired I do not have the strength to sit at the keyboard and blog.  I went to my doctor the week before and she gave me the referrals—you know the ones that I have failed to follow through on for months and even—yes—I admit it…years!  I put those little papers in my patent leather pocket book and then forgot about them.

  I woke up one morning so exhausted I could barely open my eyes or move my limbs.  I called out sick.  As always,  my job demands a doctors note…even if it is in the middle of the week. 

Oh, well, here goes.  The phone call after I woke up three hours later to the Women’s Health Center.  I asked if they had an available appointment and they did!  Okay,  not only was I feeling exhausted and tired,  my limbs ached,  I have the continuing blisters that are not shoe related on the bottoms of my feet.  I have a nagging pain here and there.  So  I gave in and stopped fighting it. 

 I made the appointment for 3:15.  I cannot back out of it now.  My back is against the wall.  I will have a doctor’s note for work…but the worst part of it is that I have placed my breasts and my life at the mercy of the Women’s health center. 

I prayed as I drove down Queens Blvd.  Why didn’t  I just wake up and feel good today?  I go to work feeling sick EVERY DAY!  I could have gone to work.  I have not seen any bumps on my breasts…or felt any.  I know that does not mean anything….but I tried to reprimand my own self for not going to work and now forcing myself into this situation. 

What is wrong with me,  I ask myself.  It is good to be a woman who cares for her body….it is not good to run from health care silly! 

I parked my car.  My legs began to feel wobbly, and I felt the extreme heat when I exited my car and made my way across the street.  I felt alone and scared.  Why couldn’t I just feel good?  YOu know…like when I was in my twenties?

  Why God,  Why?  Why did I let myself go….to being 265 pounds (the last time the doctor checked)-why couldn’t I look like those thin size 6  or size 14 even women that walk past me on the street, or malls or even at my job?   Why did I have to fall into the  category  of OBESE BLACK WOMAN WITH THE HIGH RISK HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, AND POSSIBLE CANCER ISSUES??????  When I drop my son off to tennis the thin mothers of the other tennis players (who are black) look at me with this look of (what is wrong with you?) 

 These mothers wear little tennis outfits, and sneakers.  I wear my oversize shirts (size 24-26) and oversize 3x-4x pants and my flipflops…not a pretty thought uh?  But my son is tall, 5’9′ and wears a size 12 shoe.  My child is not fat like his mother.  Hey,  wait a minute….I was not fat when I was a teenager either!  I allowed life and problems to carry me to the Obese world somehow. When I was young I played softball on a team,  I took karate lessons for 4 years,  I did gymnastics,  I did the five borough bike tour too. 

 So what happened?—–OKAY,  OKAY…YOU GET THE DRIFT RIGHT?????  My whole life is flashing before my eyes as I walk toward the security  guard in the office building.  I get on the elevator and start praying again.  I try to stop reliving my life from thin to fat in 5 seconds and repremanding myself for coming to this point and also the fact that I have not had a mamogram in over 10 years.  What will the technologist say to me?

  Oh, God…what if I do have breast cancer….they will just look at me and shake their heads.  They will ask,  why didn’t you come to get a mamogram sooner????  This has been a difficult life …the loss of my husband to skizophrenia,  my mother’s stroke,  my child having pnuemonia,  asthma,  sizures,  my foot operations for an infection that would not heal,  my knee operation for  an injury suffered on the job…and just plain FEAR,  FEAR,  STUPID,  STUPID FEAR…..

Again I have to stop myself from  this continuous self repremand…cause I am standing in front of the receptionist.  I am handed a clip board and I fill out the detail on my health and family health.  I have to put marks on the picture of breasts that show any unusual markings. 

 I speckle my picture breasts because I have exprienced many discolorations since I suffered chicken pox when I was 37 years old.  I have this out breaks of blisters, or severe sensitivity to sweating, or heat.  So my body looks rather ugly to me at this point. 

Oh, to go back to the age of a teenager.  When I see women wearing dresses with their backs out, or even stomach skin showing….I feel ugly and humiliated.  My skin,  the youthful skin is gone.  People keep telling me I am a young 48 years old. 

 I laugh and say thankyou…but I know the truth.  My disrobed body tells the truth and the story behind the marks from blisters, and sensitivity lesions etc.  My back looks like a cat scratched it.  Ugh!  I have shown these marks and open lesions to my doctor who has not answer for them at all. 

So here I sit,  filling out this form….feeling more fearful as the moments pass.  Two little girls,  dressed in traditional summer frocks are waiting for their Mommy.  The two are coloring and talking to everyone in the  waiting room. 

 They are sweet and they pull me out of my mental chaos over this mamogram.  Then I think….their mother is here because she loves her children and wants to be here for them….let me think of my little family too. 

Finally the little girls and their mother leave  and I am called in.  I suddenly had the urge to use the restroom.  The Tech person looked at me,  I said I am sorry. I just took a water pill.

When I returned the procedure was quick and painless. So what was all that mental nonsense about???

The Tech Mammogram woman was over weight too!  She was black like me!  She listened to me rant on about my reasons for not coming to the Mammogram for so many years, and she even sent me out of the exam telling me that God is with me and not to worry!

I felt great!  I really felt Great! 

I am waiting for the results…but I will take it one day at a time…but atleast I went to get the Mammography done.

Why don’t you go get your Mammography done today?  or tomorrow?   You will feel better for doing it.

I will keep you posted on it.

till next health moment….riveroflifelisajoy!