Riveroflifelisajoy’s Weblog

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Archive for being disabled and dependant

Where Have I been?

Journey Behind the Falls at Niagara ...


I have been on a journey…

My friend

I have not been lost


but a journey of length

and depth  has

challenged my

very heart and soul

I have gathered need

and gathered sorrow

My journey leads me

down dark alleys

bright rooms,

painful thoughts

and haunting fears

Tears are worthless

here on my journey

But the tears still come

and roll down my cheeks

like snowballs gathering

size and speed

My nose and face feel clogged

from the emotions spent

on this journey

Come free me my friend

from this torment

But I do not cry for myself

I cry for another

My son, my dear son

What will be?

Sickness again claimed

him on June 24 after

his American History

Regents exam…of which he

did receive an 88!

The victory of his passing

is overshadowed by the

illness that gripped him in

its stealy hands

I wish for him joy,

health, and happines…

I pray for him health, health, and more health

So that has been my journey my friend

Seeking health and strength for

the child of my womb

The child I had prayed for 15 years ago

is in a battle for his life….

So my journey is not a lonely one

but a hard. brittle, prickly one

Where have I been?  Right here,

at home, at work, but journey is a battle of

the mind and strength of the


JOurney is to walk a walk of faith,

and endurance…

So I have not called you,  written you,

but I know you are still there.

I will not go,

while I continue this journey,  whose

destination I yet do not know.



credit of waterfalls image…from aol journey images


Jay Jewels Cry FOR HUMANITYDry like the parchment of the

scroll of a writ

of so long ago

Thousands of years

hid away

Moments in the hands of

an anthropologist

crackling under his

sweaty palms


the dry old parchment

will melt away

if not put in sealed

archival containers

dry like the old linen dress

of yesteryear

like a ball of cottom in my mouth

the medical diagnosis

has come and gone

and now my sensations are


except for the diagnosis

pain that is ripping its’

way deep into my heart.

Trying to explain to my

child that he has to

take medication to save his


Cotton mouth,

loss of taste for the

things you love.

Loss of sensation in my

feet and hands

Sitting I type not

feeling, not

wanting to feel the pain

deep searing a tunnel through

my stomach

I feel full,

gas overcomes my belly

cotton mouth

prevents me from


like the fullness of

emptiness I hold

deep in my belly to

unfold until I scream from

pain and agony

Take the truth,

dealt the truth

no compassion

was the final blow


lost in a new


fear of the unknown and

the diagonosis compells

the rickety fence of hell to

open and reveal the ominous

cavern that threatens to swallow

us whole

We must proceed my child

we must go in

Cotton mouth,

sweaty palms,

sweaty feet,

sudden compulsion to

release bodily fluids,

fight or flight sydrome

in full affect

compel me oh Lord

toward the light

Let taste return

Cotton Mouth–

I cannot swallow

for the diagnosis

itself is not paletable

The diagnosis was

given with such cold

precision like the blade

of the surgeons knife

Hold my hand my child

walk together we will

toward the tower of hell

but together we will

climb to heaven

despite the steely grasp of the  Cotton mouth!

Cross Over

Old Fabric by RiveroflifelisajoyCross Over and move out the way

Sometimes the river does not

sway,  the tide is high  and

my spirit is low

I do not want to look back

or let go

What do I say  to my child

to day

His love of life has

been challenged,

like a dry twig broken

and chips of it splinter

and fall away

His health is  limited

yet a picture of health

is he

So why this sad problem

that plagues me today

The doctor looks cool, and

medical team too serene

Your child has to take

xxxmiligrams and

that is all…

Have a nice day

Go forth, leave the

hospital and jump back

into the stream. river of life

and move on

after this limited 5 day

hospital stay

But wait,  I have more questions,

What about the side affects….

“OH, he just might be a bit sleepy…that is all

any way…have a good day!

No, NO!  I need to say this,  I have to ask

that….do not dismiss me so easily

For I must fight for my child

I must question, and stay longer if

I must

For though you are the doctor…I cannot

entirely trust

for each patient has

different needs, and questions…so let us reason,

let us rationalize before we say our goodbyes!

So again I say dear Doctor

today—crossover from your generalized sermon, and

medical doctrine

Crossover to a parent who is human, and alive..

Because the condition of which you speak

is not simple to me

not simple to my child

just simple medical diagnosis to you

So please….cross over from the cold

cruel world  of illness


and  speak

Woman to Woman,  possibly Mother to Mother




A Thought Provoked….

Old Fabric by RiveroflifelisajoyUpon my bed I lay

eyes shut and dreaming

my mind spins in time with

my breathing

Breathe deep and then

it feels shallow,

possibly a cold or bronchitis

The day eventful, loss of pay

loss of my goals

just for today

Looking at the gray clouded sky

outside my window in this

my dream,

I think, what if…..just what if

I could not see?

What if, I could not be me?

What if I could not raise my hand

to wipe away that bit of sand

on my brow or my feet?

What if  I had to wait

and wait, and wait

for someone to raise my body

to feed me, or clothe me?

What if I could not speak?

If I were always very, very ill and


What if this thought provoked by

my mother,

her talks about life to me

 Make me contimplate my possible destiny

had I not been born

though not wealthy at all

to this family that struggled

through and

buried our loved ones one or two

over the years.

Being wrapped up like kitten in

side a ball of yarn.

The thoughts provoked create 

a fresh fortress for my hurt and my


 What if,  after all is over,  I am

desolate, dead and alone in

my grave

What if,  time does not stand

still, but continues on in some

twilight realm

With a strange and eerie

cloud of purple   mist

A little boat cresting on the

floating purple cloud

but then I awake

from my bed and sleepiness

I must shake

My thought provoked

my dreams dare lead

me to the shallows of

the marshy swamps

with quick sand laid

to suck me under

to the realm of the purple

mist, My hurt to battle

without sword or shield

What if, what if!

I had not driven up that road

I had not eaten that pear

I had not said that phrase

What if I dare say what if

I could replay, restate and

forgive myself for what I

said to you, my friend

this day!

For from clay I am made

but from the iron of my family ancestory..

for endurance

 at my core

 I must

regain my strength

to move forward

and not ponder

the thought provoked.