Riveroflifelisajoy’s Weblog
Just another WordPress.com weblogArchive for being disabled and dependant
Where Have I been?
I have been on a journey…
My friend
I have not been lost
intentionally
but a journey of length
and depth has
challenged my
very heart and soul
I have gathered need
and gathered sorrow
My journey leads me
down dark alleys
bright rooms,
painful thoughts
and haunting fears
Tears are worthless
here on my journey
But the tears still come
and roll down my cheeks
like snowballs gathering
size and speed
My nose and face feel clogged
from the emotions spent
on this journey
Come free me my friend
from this torment
But I do not cry for myself
I cry for another
My son, my dear son
What will be?
Sickness again claimed
him on June 24 after
his American History
Regents exam…of which he
did receive an 88!
The victory of his passing
is overshadowed by the
illness that gripped him in
its stealy hands
I wish for him joy,
health, and happines…
I pray for him health, health, and more health
So that has been my journey my friend
Seeking health and strength for
the child of my womb
The child I had prayed for 15 years ago
is in a battle for his life….
So my journey is not a lonely one
but a hard. brittle, prickly one
Where have I been? Right here,
at home, at work, but journey is a battle of
the mind and strength of the
spirit.
JOurney is to walk a walk of faith,
and endurance…
So I have not called you, written you,
but I know you are still there.
I will not go,
while I continue this journey, whose
destination I yet do not know.
-fini-
Riveroflifelisajoy
credit of waterfalls image…from aol journey images
COTTON MOUTH
Dry like the parchment of the
scroll of a writ
of so long ago
Thousands of years
hid away
Moments in the hands of
an anthropologist
crackling under his
sweaty palms
grasp
the dry old parchment
will melt away
if not put in sealed
archival containers
dry like the old linen dress
of yesteryear
like a ball of cottom in my mouth
the medical diagnosis
has come and gone
and now my sensations are
minimized
except for the diagnosis
pain that is ripping its’
way deep into my heart.
Trying to explain to my
child that he has to
take medication to save his
life.
Cotton mouth,
loss of taste for the
things you love.
Loss of sensation in my
feet and hands
Sitting I type not
feeling, not
wanting to feel the pain
deep searing a tunnel through
my stomach
I feel full,
gas overcomes my belly
cotton mouth
prevents me from
eating
like the fullness of
emptiness I hold
deep in my belly to
unfold until I scream from
pain and agony
Take the truth,
dealt the truth
no compassion
was the final blow
given
lost in a new
hell
fear of the unknown and
the diagonosis compells
the rickety fence of hell to
open and reveal the ominous
cavern that threatens to swallow
us whole
We must proceed my child
we must go in
Cotton mouth,
sweaty palms,
sweaty feet,
sudden compulsion to
release bodily fluids,
fight or flight sydrome
in full affect
compel me oh Lord
toward the light
Let taste return
Cotton Mouth–
I cannot swallow
for the diagnosis
itself is not paletable
The diagnosis was
given with such cold
precision like the blade
of the surgeons knife
Hold my hand my child
walk together we will
toward the tower of hell
but together we will
climb to heaven
despite the steely grasp of the Cotton mouth!
Cross Over
Cross Over and move out the way
Sometimes the river does not
sway, the tide is high and
my spirit is low
I do not want to look back
or let go
What do I say to my child
to day
His love of life has
been challenged,
like a dry twig broken
and chips of it splinter
and fall away
His health is limited
yet a picture of health
is he
So why this sad problem
that plagues me today
The doctor looks cool, and
medical team too serene
Your child has to take
xxxmiligrams and
that is all…
Have a nice day
Go forth, leave the
hospital and jump back
into the stream. river of life
and move on
after this limited 5 day
hospital stay
But wait, I have more questions,
What about the side affects….
“OH, he just might be a bit sleepy…that is all
any way…have a good day!
No, NO! I need to say this, I have to ask
that….do not dismiss me so easily
For I must fight for my child
I must question, and stay longer if
I must
For though you are the doctor…I cannot
entirely trust
for each patient has
different needs, and questions…so let us reason,
let us rationalize before we say our goodbyes!
So again I say dear Doctor
today—crossover from your generalized sermon, and
medical doctrine
Crossover to a parent who is human, and alive..
Because the condition of which you speak
is not simple to me
not simple to my child
just simple medical diagnosis to you
So please….cross over from the cold
cruel world of illness
disease
and speak
Woman to Woman, possibly Mother to Mother
please.
Fini
Riveroflifelisajoy
A Thought Provoked….
Upon my bed I lay
eyes shut and dreaming
my mind spins in time with
my breathing
Breathe deep and then
it feels shallow,
possibly a cold or bronchitis
The day eventful, loss of pay
loss of my goals
just for today
Looking at the gray clouded sky
outside my window in this
my dream,
I think, what if…..just what if
I could not see?
What if, I could not be me?
What if I could not raise my hand
to wipe away that bit of sand
on my brow or my feet?
What if I had to wait
and wait, and wait
for someone to raise my body
to feed me, or clothe me?
What if I could not speak?
If I were always very, very ill and
weak?
What if this thought provoked by
my mother,
her talks about life to me
Make me contimplate my possible destiny
had I not been born
though not wealthy at all
to this family that struggled
through and
buried our loved ones one or two
over the years.
Being wrapped up like kitten in
side a ball of yarn.
The thoughts provoked create
a fresh fortress for my hurt and my
pain.
What if, after all is over, I am
desolate, dead and alone in
my grave
What if, time does not stand
still, but continues on in some
twilight realm
With a strange and eerie
cloud of purple mist
A little boat cresting on the
floating purple cloud
but then I awake
from my bed and sleepiness
I must shake
My thought provoked
my dreams dare lead
me to the shallows of
the marshy swamps
with quick sand laid
to suck me under
to the realm of the purple
mist, My hurt to battle
without sword or shield
What if, what if!
I had not driven up that road
I had not eaten that pear
I had not said that phrase
What if I dare say what if
I could replay, restate and
forgive myself for what I
said to you, my friend
this day!
For from clay I am made
but from the iron of my family ancestory..
for endurance
at my core
I must
regain my strength
to move forward
and not ponder
the thought provoked.
Riveroflifelisajoy's Weblog 