Riveroflifelisajoy’s Weblog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

Archive for Marrying for money not love

Controversy of the New Governor Paterson: I Need Parental Guidance for the Latest News Stories! Wow! Threesomes….I never thought such Words would be connected to Elected Officials!

   Jay Jewels Cry FOR HUMANITY(Jay Jewels “Cry for Humanity”)

I just can not take it anymore!  I had heard alot of negative things about Spitzer  before this  big mess came to the front.  All I want to know is this.  When he was having these activities where were his security team? 

Look,  I really do not want to discuss Spitzer.  I just want to know why the news papers have to keep making each head line full of words that you do not want to discuss in front of your kids….even your older kids for that matter.

  I am very open  in discussion with my family on many topics.       But the McGreevy issue was so way over the top of my level of existence I was embarressed.  I felt like I had a furtive glance over at the dirty magazine section in the subway newsstand!  I do not know what the future holds! 

What was worse is  that today I saw our new Governor’s wife’s foot bottom with her big toe sticking way out from underneath her leg in a yoga pose on the front of the Daily News!  Is that really neccesary?  Is it required to show every aspect of our elected officials private selves?

  I will not have the bottoms of my feet and big toe photographed just to get a private sector or public service job!  I just do not get it!  Did the legally blind new Governor Paterson cheat on his wife for three years or less? 

 Why did I have to know about it?   I do not believe any one has not cheated …even if it has been emotional cheating.  You know what I mean.  The type of cheating that involves the phone calls to a good “friend” from work. 

 You eat lunch with this person and laugh about job issues, get frustrated together,  complain about the same stuff and cry on each other’s shoulder when the other does not get that much wanted  promotion.  YOu know what I mean!  That job friend that is of the opposite  sex! 

 Emotional committment….days that person is absent from work…are empty days.  Sometimes you might even tell your spouse that you work friend was sick and work slowed up in his or her absence!  You just could not hide your emotions about the empty feeling you had all day.  So now you mope!

Any way,  I digress!  The problem I find in all of this open discussion is that after a while everyone will be found guilty!  Even today in the AOL Black Voices blog….the mayor of Detroit, who is black  is now being told to step down for not telling the truth about his affair! 

 This had nothing to do with his actual job.  But if you have cheated on your spouse, or had an affair you must come clean about it!  Or you face being let go under big,  big,  shame!  “THE SCARLET LETTER HAS RETURNED!”  —for those of you who are literature buffs! 

 Do we have to now tell of the crushes we had as little kids, tweens, teenagers,  then pets we owned,  aunts, uncles, we liked  or did not like?

  Do we have to tell of the time we accepted a gift and then turned around and regifted it because we lied about how much we liked something and really didn’t?  Are there going to be lie detector tests that will analize whether we tell somebody that the dress they brought looks good on them or not and whether we mean it? 

Do you have to now double check yourself and your personal relationships before you apply for a job?  Where will this end?  Public service is truly public isn’t it?  I just can’t take it any more. 

 I do not  want to know so much personal information.  I want to just know that I can get my taxes lowered,  get an increase in my annual pay,  go to college cheaper,  pay for my dental work cheaper….lose weight safely and go on trips in our free country!  Prosititution is not acceptable….definitely not! 

But do I have to see Governor Paterson’s wife’s FEET on page #2 of the Daily News?  Can we leave nothing private?  I never saw Nancy Reagan’s feet,  I never saw Hillary Clinton’s feet,  I never saw Jimmy Carter’s (President Carter’s) wife’s feet! 

 So why is Mrs. Paterson’s life so exposed?  JUST TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!!  JUST LOWER THE RATES OF CAR INSURANCE!

  LOWER THE RATES OF MORTGAGES!  LOWER THE RATES OF HEALTH INSURANCE!  LOWER THE RATES OF TOLLS ON THE BRIDGES,  LOWER THE PRICE OF FOOD….GET THE MYSTERY GARBARGE  ADDITIVES,  OUT OF OUR FOOD.  STOP GLOBAL WARMING, SAVE THE POLAR BEAR,  SAVE THE SEA ANIMALS, STOP DREDGEING THE OCEAN FLOOR AND KILLING OFF THE BARRIER REEFS,  STOP OVER FISHING,  ETC., ETC., ETC.,!  

Can we get back to business please and save the planet and mankind please!  The only bare foot I want to see is that of a homeless person getting shoes and socks put on it! 

AM I WRONG?  PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

Thank you.

—-riverolflifelisajoy

Advertisements

TWICE REMOVED- reflections on losing a loved one to skizophrenia — by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY

hunger-in-a-box.jpgThis picture was painted with water color and it is called “hunger in a box” in August  2007 by riveroflifelisajoy.—It represents the lack of  understanding, and lack of support for the families of those suffering with  skizophrenia in todays  society. 

It is the last and final taboo that no one wants to talk about in 2008  and before.  Maybe things will change as people open up a forum and talk about the dilemmas that are created for the families of the afflicted persons.    

 This  little essay is based on the poem…”Don’t love me too much.–by riveroflifelisajoy (me).    My husband  was a corrections officer for seven years ,  he was hired and had to withstand psychological evaluation and he had passed.

  Yet after seven years of  being a corrections officer at RikersIsland, a father, homeowner,  owner of three cars, and a time share in the Poconos, and husband –we,  He and I  had  stood  looking at the crossroads. 

 We had come to the end of our journey together.  In sickness and in health,  till death do us part.  I even allowed myself to  state that I would honor and obey him to the gasp of all in the church during our wedding.  People were shocked for some reason.

  For today’s women they want to be much more independent than that.  How could I want to honor….but much worse….OBEY?  Malachi?  I  think that the women in the church thought I had brought them back 100 years before the femminist revolution.

  Who cares?  I thought;  Malachi had proven himself trust worthy.  His gentle ways, and care and concern were continuous throughout our 2 1/2  year relationship before our marriage. 

 He gave utmost care and compassion to my mother and her problems with her house.  My Malachi painted the rooms of my mother’s house before he married me. 

 He did not try to take advantage of my mother by asking her for money or loans of any type.   Instead he allowed her to ask him for help which he gave without financial gain.  He told me  that since  I lived with my mother,  that he wanted me in a nice looking house.

  He wanted me happy and healthy.  One day he picked me up from work and then pulled over and proposed to me.  I was warmed and at peace—I said yes.  It was beautiful.

When Malachi became a corrections officer  he  changed  after a  few years on the job.  That job is difficult and stressful.  Things have changed quite a bit from those days (1995)….or so I have heard. 

 Before my  dear Malachi had a  goal to become a minister–but then his attitude began to change after we purchased our home.  He had worked atleast 70 to 80 hours per week of overtime to make the money to buy our home. 

 After that it seemed that the stress took its affect.

Losing him affected me and our child and further more the entire extention of Malachi’s family–His family lived in deep denial and blamed and attacked me on behalf of Malachi. 

His family also was quite well off finanically and could afford to care for him without him taking out social security benefits at the young age of 35 years old.

  They did not want my son to aquire social secuity benefits because I would be the person in charge of the money that would come to my son. I would also be eligible as a legally married woman…which of course I was and still am. 

 My son stood to receive $700.00 per month based on his father’s disability. 

 Therefore,  my mother inlaw bluntly informed me that I was to go back home to my mother because I was going to lose my house; and that I would crawl on the ground for the rest of my life for money.

  I returned home to my mother and I did lose my house. My son has never received “child support”, or the social security benefits that his father should have applied for–but never did.  

 Malachi’s  mother tried to take my son from me by means of ploting and lying.  She did not succeed.   But she  created a lack of family in my son’s life for nine years.

  Instead of the family coming together during Malachi’s time of need…they separated and attacked me. 

 They  combined as a family in order to  assault  me…but separated from me and Malchi’s son.

   I was told by Malachi’s uncle , who was a Assistant Pastor in his church, not to ask for any help.

  I  was left with over two hundred thousand dollars  of  debt. My house  went into foreclosure and I could not sell it without Malachi’s signature;  my son and I moved back to my mother’s house.

  I became emotionally bankrupt…but most of all financially bankrupt.  So Skizophrenia did more than just attack the mind and body of my husband Malachi. 

There have been many crying nights.  But the power   has been in people who have challenged me to continue on and have faith for the best.

But you see my Malachi had been stabbed in the top of his head when he was a corrections officer.  He handled it well at the time…but that did not stop the after affects. 

The illness that he suffered was not caused by the job…but yet it could have been aggrevated nonetheless. 

Malachi had resigned from his job before it was found out that he was sick.  Therefore there was nothing the job was obligated to do for me as the wife,  or Malachi himself.  Such is life.

But I always know that the disease is distructive and takes away loved ones.  See,  my Malachi refused to take medication and his parents agreed. 

 Thus  the missing Malachi.  He walked away from everything and everyone he knew.  He lived a tortured life…believing he was being chased by several unseen to the naked eye–foes.

His life was a good one…yet the family is left to suffer and live on without answers to the unknown….(whether he is dead or alive).

  Unfortunately it is true…most mentally ill people if not on medication become statistics and homeless people on the streets,  jails,  or hospital wards in prisons  for the mentally ill—or worse yet….DEAD. 

 The  mentally ill die on the streets even in the United States ….actually throughout the world.  I will add the facts from a research essay I wrote later on.

For now….till  next blog….

…..hope all is well with you and yours—-riveroflifelisajoy!

“Don’t Love me too much” –haiku prose- by riveroflifelisajoy

still-life.jpg

 ***Oil paint of still life by RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY  8/07 

 ****************************************************

Don’t love me too much

he said, and I held him tighter

You have to love G-d more

I do, I said.

No…you don’t

he said

I grew angry that

he saw through my

tears of fear

I feared loss

I feared loneliness

I feared the emptiness

and empty bed

I loved him

We would embrace

and our “unique” addition

to the Eskimo nose kiss was

our left eye to right eye touch

Our eyes and cheeks would touch

He would flutter his eye lashes on mine

I would try to see within his soul

through my mind’s eye

Don’t love me too much

You have got to love G-d more

We held hands even in our sleep

We would entwine our legs even

in our sleep

We awoke and talked of our

goals

He would jump up and bring

a paper to bed and show me the

plans he had written the day

before

I would look on and think

I  AM  –lucky, or proper term

blessed I was to

have a man with vision

goals and dreams

I would hug him and

close my eyes and

be so happy

I just want to be happy

I said

“It is not about you

It is not about me

It is about what we can do for

others he said

His goals were plain

His goals were simple

Help those around you

Do what you can for the

disadvantaged

Jobs, training,  youth, and

prayer

He wanted to be a minister

He wanted me to be there

A dark cloud approached

and my sunny day faded to

black

I could no longer hug his strong

muscular back

For he was gone

Skizzzz

Soooo

FREAAAAAA

NEEEEEE

YAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

A gutteral,

primitive scream!!!

That horrible disease

destroyed my dream

Darkness took over

tentacles crawled from the

depths of hell

and dragged him down

a so,– so deep well

Don’t love me so much!!

was all I could hear

Take care of my son,

to me you will always be

dear!!!!!

Continue to sing,

and give to the poor

for in that you will not

lose me….ever more!!!!

So I continue to help

I continue to give

Although my arms ache,

the lost love that

I can no longer take

I understand now

I ponder and think

What did he see

beyond that ugly,

ugly, brink?

I have not lost him

when at last I think

he  has been in every

good deed

I will not falter

until my dying day

Although there is no

grave plot

No memorial for him

for that ugly, ugly

monster has  claimed

him from within

He is missing,

traveling a road I can

not find

Missing in body—

missing in mind

SKIZOPHRENIA!

He is gone, for nine years

Don’t love me too much

Hold on to G-d

I did grow strong

I will go on

But I will always

love him

from now on

Do not feel sorry for me

For I have suffered great

loss

But I have no regrets

For great was the love

some would call it soul

mate

I call it a blessing from

above

He was my teacher,

my mentor,

my best friend

my lover

my husband

He had a good and

honorable job

as a Corrections Officer

yet he was taken from me by

illness beyond my control

His goals and dreams never to

be fulfilled

But yet he still lives on

Don’t love me too much

—but I do

———————-Fini’

riveroflifelisajoy

T.D. Jakes: Movie, “WOMAN THOU ART LOOSED!” WHAT A POWERFUL EYE OPENER!!! A MUST SEE FOR EVERYONE!

LIFE STARTS HERE.jpgChildren are pure and simple.

  Adults are children who grew up.

  Why are there so many adults that have forgotten what it was like to be a child? 

What has happened to the hurting children of society? 

 They grow up….and if they are still unaware of circumstance s that have changed their attitudes, and they are not aware of their actions and how it creates the future paths that they take….WOW! 

 You end up with the powerful film that I just saw tonight.  I hesitated to purchase…yes purchase this movie.  I thought it was going to be a sermon for a good long hour or more.  But instead for people who like hard hitting reality type dramas….this is it.  T.D. Jakes plays himself in this movie. 

 But he is so low key that he does not over do it.  He did exactly what a minister is supposed to do…..listen.  T. D. Jakes listened to the actors in their roles and behaviors.  He was excellent! 

 But the worse part of the movie was the child being attacked.  That was too graphic for me. 

I had to fast forward it after I watched the movie for the second time.

  The Woman  thou art loosed may stir up old hurts and old pain for those who have suffered such things as a child.

  The ending is somewhat confusing.  It leaves  it up in the air. 

 But it gave voice to those humanbeings that have suffered in many circumstances in life. 

 It is skillfully acted,  and not too over the top.  It was difficult to watch at times…because it was so brutally raw and real. 

 It was not a true story….but it makes you wonder if maybe there were other reasons for the pain and suffering in the world. 

 It makes you want to give the entire world a hug. 

 Every race has suffered.

  Every race has cried. 

 Every race has wished the sun would not go down on its’ sorrow.

  Every race has prayed for a new begining.

  And all mankind has begged, and pleaded for redemption from suffering. 

 There are no human beings excempt from suffering. 

 Please watch this movie….do not look at the race of the people playing the acting roles

….do not look at T.D. Jakes as a man who has a “black” persepective on the situation. 

  Please take a look. 

 The movie  “Woman Thou Art Loosed”  may just change your perspective on life for the better.

Have a good night!

RIVEROFLIFELISAJOY!

I am Not my Mother: The Desparity of Black Family Income to White Family Income–Does it Really Matter?

duckies at playI grew up in a house hold that was definitely black middle class.  But what happened to me?  Why am I doing so badly? 

My IQ is suffering here.  I just read  information according to the Stanford News Release from 1994 which is a kind of interesting look back to the attitudes of that time period.  I found  the “Bell Curve” discussion and how it relates to the black income and the white income based on intelligence. 

Well,  my black husband became Paranoid Skizophrenic—-That stupid taboo disease that people are afraid to talk about!  Mental illness tends to strike a cord of laughter in some people —BLACK OR WHITE!!!—

I am not my mother relates to the life that she was living when  she was 47 and the life I now live at 47 years old.  I am severely financially strapped!   I am on definite hard times!  But is it because I have a Low IQ?  

 I attended and completed 69 Credits at Queens College and then  attended  Nyack College to fill in the total number of 128 credits to accomplish my bachelors degree.   I have only 3 more Life Experience essays to complete my Bachelor of Science in Organizational Managment. 

I completed my course work for the major Organizational Management.  I wrote a thesis called “How to Increase Productivity of Related Service Providers and Teaching Staff of the ABC School. ”  The thesis had a power point presentation, and a 28 question survey that I computed the tally of the information of  those people who took the survey.  After I completed the graphs I had over 100 pages of thesis.  I received an A-.  I did all this while working a full time –40 hour work week and caring for my elderly mother, and my son.  

 The essays are only for the completion of electives which can be on any topic so long as it displays “LEARNING ACHIEVED ACADEMICALLY.” 

 I play instruments and I write music.  But that does not put food on the table.  My day job puts food on the table!  But it is not enough money! 

I have good health benefits—but not enough cash flow for entertainment,  food,  utilities,  and even  nessecities. 

I have been getting my food at the food pantry too for the past few weeks.  (Food Pantry are several  a local churches  that receive donations and give it out to the general public in the community.)  No proof of need required.  

I am scared every second because of the rise in the gasoline prices,  food prices,  sneaker prices(for my son),  even sanitary napkins draw fear from my heart!   EVERY THING IS EXPENSIVE!!!  My son, my mother and myself use a expensive Scott  Toilet paper!!!! 

 My  problem is that I have 19 years on my job.  To start all over is  not a good idea for me at this time.

** PROBLEM  FOR THOSE IQ CHALLENGED:  My little family has medical problems.

Remember I am a black woman,  over weight,  gaped toothed,  prematurely grey, and pleasant enough. 

 But then is my problem>—IS MY IQ HOLDING ME BACK FROM COMING UP TO SOLUTIONS TO MY FINANCIAL DILEMA?

  Who will help me—this poor black talented  woman who plays a classical instrument (the cello), writes prose,  and poetry,  short stories, and has written copyrighted songs. 

I want help but every body comes with some type of  strings attached ,  or will not help without a dollar to be paid from my pocket to theirs. 

 So I can not move to another job—until my life gets stable!—Stability is based on the medical condition of my son and my  mother!

  Before we get to the desparity between my white counter part Baby Boomers–let us see the desparity between my mother and me–so you will not confuse us.

My mother lived in her house for nearly 40 years.  I lived in my house for only 4 years.  I had a house with three kitchens,  two full bathrooms, and  1 bathroom with a shower in the basement. 

I had a black top driveway and a tennant that lived up on the second floor and a great amount of loving pets….Now all gone from my life.  My mom was an anmal lover and my Dad allowed her to have cats and dogs!!! 

My Mom was a house wife!!!  I was only home when my son was born for 11 months .  Afterward I went back to work I started looking for my first house.

  But lost it in four years!–Of course due to my husband’s illness. 

 My father did have diabetes….but it never prevented him from working.  My father was well known for being a work horse!!! 

 My father took his diabetes medicine by needle in his stomach.  But he still jumped up at 9pm and got to work so he could provide for his family. 

 My husband became so separated from reality that he thought my son and I were not his original wife and child—we were imposters as far as he was concerned! Due to the skizophrenia,  my husband became missing from our lives for nearly ten years now. Truly a tragic situation!

 My mother  attended political functions all the time.  She was get dressed up  in sequin gowns and go to dinner dances of the elected officials when I was a kid. 

I on the other hand do not go out to dinner unless it is I – Hop,  once in a while TGIFridays maybe every two years.  I never get invited to go to any place because people know that I cannot afford a nice dress, or new shoes!  I do not even own a pair of earrings! 

  Look my money pays the rent, etc.  So I take care of my family….What else new? 

So  mainly the disparity starts between me and my mother….MAYBE MY MOTHERS IQ IS HIGHER THAN MIND?!!! 

  My father was a black  WWII veteran.  Imagine how difficult that must have been.  He became a waivered Practical Nurse….on the front lines—that means he could do minor surgery—like stitch up a wound or something. 

I saw my father in action.  He did minor surgery on  my dog one time after the dog got cut on our hurricane fence while playing with the next door neighbor’s dog!  My father stitched the dog—no infections no vet visit!!! Amazing!!!  So where were his  African American IQ issues?!!!  —

My father kept two jobs at all times.  He used his nursing skill in a hospital emergency room,  and also in a children’s hospital during the day!  My father was also are Army Reservist Sgt.  in the Brooklyn Army off off Atlantic when I was a kid.

  My father died of diabetes when I was 21 years old.  I am 47 years old today—and I am a failure in comparison to him.  He held two jobs,  and owned his own house with the two car garage, and swiming pool too! 

 The house was big and bright and cheery!  I have in the opposite—I do not even have living room furniture at this point.  I have decent beds for the family.  But the high price of a couch is just to much for me on my own.  I cannot get a loan from any where because of  bankruptcy due to my single parent status,  no child support status from a missing  sick husband!!! 

So I guess my failure is that I am well educated but some how not functioning at peak to raise my income to the level of atleast $80,000.00 in the next year or so….matter of fact—at my age—who would want my abilities at this late stage of the game?    

My parents owned a house in Springfield Gardens Queens and were  able to put a pool in the back yard and still had room–plenty of room to spare. 

 My mother had an Irish female friend and they went into business together.  They used to drive to Brooklyn and buy antiques!!!  I told you—my father did well for a black man back in the 60’s and 70’s.

My father paid off the house before he died!   There were many issues with the house that I will discuss later.

 The actual point I am making is about my lack of financial Security—and wealth. 

Since my husband got sick,  he has been missing for 10 years total! 

I have to  feed, honour, and protect my son and my mon—So how does one do it? 

I cannot jump from one job to the next….It is better to hold on and pray at this time for me. 

Do I have an IQ problem?  Is that is what is holding me back from wealth like that of my white female friend who is married to a wealthy white man? 

Actually then  maybe she just married smart!   But there are not that many wealthy black men to chose from. 

They usually marry the white or non-black females—You know the Trophy Wives!!! Just like Kim Kardasshian! Talked about today in Black Voices AOL.   I can say this because I had a White female  friend who had  stated that she was her husband’s trophy   during  the time that my husband got sick and she was having to cope with a marriage that she wanted to get out of. 

 My friends problem that she already had two children by her husband.  But she could not take his “mood” swings.  She loved her husband dearly and she loved her too, but he was prone to outbursts of severe anger.

  She also did not get along with his family.  They were living in an apartment in his parents house and she did not like the conditions of the apartment. 

 I was not in that condition.  I loved my husband and I tried to cope with my inlaws.  But my husband got sick nonetheless, and his family blamed me for this entire situation. —What a mess!

  So,  maybe it is an IQ thing. 

 I will follow up later with my desparity with my White Cohort Baby Boomers and their financial stability in opposition to my financial instability.  

The following web sites  are the actual articles to which I am making reference on the ‘BELL CURVE DISCUSSION’:

http://www.boston.com/businessglobe/articles/2007/11/13black_white_income_gap_grew_since_70s_2007-grew since the 2007

http://news-service.standford.edu/pr/94/941109Arc4057.html