Riveroflifelisajoy’s Weblog

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Archive for February, 2009

I APOLOGIZE…LORD–and Thank you

Dear Lord,

I am your child…but
I grow frustrated sometimes
when I feel like time goes by too
slowly.
I wish I could stay like a person I know
where I would have constant faith and it
be unshakeable faith.
I get nervous and lonely and scared.
I admit it Lord….I confess my sin.

I have doubt …while others a full of
the VICTORY!

BUT TODAY…I confess I was a bad child!

I was sad and dispondent…I was lonely and
fearfull, I admit to jealousy of other
women that have husbands, mates, and
boyfriends….I admit my sin Lord Jesus!

How many friends do I have? NOne!
So I admit my sin Lord–I admit my sin.

Please Lord, you are mighty and strong…
Show yourself mighty and strong in my heart
and give me your grace and power.

Hallelujah! Thank you Lord Jesus! I could
not make it without you.

Please Lord…grant me forgiveness of my
selfish will, my head strong self
determine. I had no help I thought…and the
help came. I had no love Lord and you
had someone to me proclaim…
your love!~
I had no peace Lord and to me
peace came…
I had no joy Lord and to me
Joy came…
So I apologize Lord…that I allowed to grow
into the cast down feeling.

Yes, I am still alone….and lonely….I feel lost
around young and old couples,

I do feel sad about my losses in life…
but I do have your life, your love..
your peace and your joy.
Thank you Lord…and forgive me again…
Thank your for having patience on me and
on my soul, and saving me from my sins
through Jesus Christ during this Lenten
Season.
Amen! And also thankyou for answering my
prayer about food today…this Saturday.
I remember Lord that I wrote so many
sad and down trodden poems and prose
about not having food to feed my family.
But Lord you had mercy and delivered me and
my family.
Thank you God….Again….your wayward
chile…river of life…AKA MUD OF LIFE
Lisa Miserable…..((((when I am not being
a good servant))))

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YOU HAVE THE GLOW OF THE LORD ON YOU!

I went to a Bible Study and the people
were talking to a woman who had changed
her hair style…
Oh, Sister…you look beautiful…
YOu have the glow of the Lord on you!
This Bible group is for singles.

I am a single who has been thrown to
the curb by her husband ten years ago.
I do not belong in this group …I realize that
now.
I am lost and forgotten about.

I am ugly…within….cast away….and
forgotten…
No man looks to me…
No person has interest…

I am unwanted…and unloved…
I am lost….
I look up at the woman that they said has
the “Glow of the Lord on her” and she is
smiling….

I wonder…”DID I EVER HAVE THAT GLOW?”

Maybe I didn’t.

I believe I never had it.

That is why my husband left me…
That is why no one comes to me now..
I am alone….and lost…
I am a Christian…but I suffer with finances..
If I was a woman without a child I would
feel better.
But I have a child who has medical needs.
I have my mother too….she has medical
needs.

I have been working for over 20 years in the
same occupation…
but yet….and still I have no decent income.
I am not looking for a man to feed and clothe
me…
I want to be able to care for myself…
Nowadays…no man seeks to “care” for
anybody but himself…Well…No man wants
to care for a 48 year old fat, black woman
with a hair weave….which hides my severely
grey hair.
“YOu have the glow of the Lord on You!”
They are still praising that woman.
They like her alot…Now they say–
“OH, you are going to be the next person
to get married here in this Singles Bible
Group!”—YOu are changing from the inside
and it shows on the outside….You are so
Beautiful!”
She walked around the room and opened the
Bible Study in Prayer….
(((I wanted to leave….)))

I feel so lost, so alone….so cast down
to the bottom of a pit….
so alone I sit …here on this stupid, stupid
blog!

5 am….driving down Jericho Turnpike

Driving down Jericho Turnpike,
I cry, and cry…
My heart aches
My soul quakes with anguish
Why me, why me….ME–ME–ME–
Why do I have to live like this?

I have no food to feed my son and my
mother…
I have no one to turn to….except this
stupid…stupid blog!

I have no friends except for the people
who completely by mistake read this stupid
stupid blog…riveroflifelisajoy….
Right now –it should be called, MUD OF LIFE
–LISA MISERABLE!

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

why is it my life is stuck in the job cycle?

Why can’t I accomplish more than sadness?
Why does the Bible state that the Lord will
turn my sorrow into gladness?

I have been suffering from the loss of my
husband for- over 10 (ten) years!

No man…no CHRISTIAN MAN…even thinks of
me….no DECENT MAN even contemplates
me!

I have no one call out to.
How many times can I ask for help from the
Church?

I want to succeed….yet everytime I put my
hand to the task…somebody in the house\
gets sick…and there I go again…running to
the hospital!….Taking off from work..and
now bosses on my job dislike or distrust my
responsibility ethic! It is just not fair.

Why is it counterparts…women my age are
married, have relationships, and have
money to pay bills and feed the family?

I work constantly….but my paycheck is not \
enough to survive on.

My rent is $1600.00 per month.
I have debt that is based on day to day
living.\
I work alot of overtime…but the amount of
money I get….gets eaten up by taxes,
and Life Insurance, Disabilty insurance too.

I am beyone words with sorrow…
So there I was early this morning….Saturday..
while my mother and son slept…
I walked to my car…because I wanted to
place a phone call could not from my
house phone because I do not have long
distance….So I had to seek a pay phone.

I went down Braddock Ave. and could not
find a working telephone.
I took off down Jericho Turnpike—
I found a phone…across the street
from a favorite store Catalanos….it has
music instruments, and music books and
music stuff of all kinds.
I called someone…but their cell number
does not answer.

Their mail box is full….the message voice
sounds so smug! It make me start crying
all over again…
It stated: “The mail box is FULL…no messages
can be left at this time!”

That was not a hope…I just wanted to
call out to somebody…and it looks as if
God has left me…alone…again..
So I drove back home and climbed back into
my bed and went into a turtored sleep.
I can barely stand myself…
I feel worthless, and not a good person.
I have empty cabinets, and empty
ice box…no food to feed my mother and
son.

I can gowithout…I am fat….but my son and
my mother need to eat.

I have to humble myself the minster preached
last night….
Oh, God…help me…please! I have no more
words to say….I must have done something
to deserve this….
I must have done something to deserve this.

What does being humble mean?

I have not been able to figure this out.
Some people have told me that I am humble.
A man said it.
But when I went to a Bible study it seems that
I heard that word alot.
Some how I was not as humble as I thought
Then I found myself crying throughout most
of the Bible Study.
So what do I do?
I have to see what it is I am doing wrong.
I am lost at words and lost in my life
I feel that I have caused most of the problems
That I really had no control over.
But somehow…it seems by my attitude…
I am not humble enough…for God to bless
me with a husband, or even just a boyfriend
A companion.
I have been alone for over ten years since
my X-husband has been missing due to
his catastrophic disease…and his adultry.
I miss him for who he had been to me
I miss him for his joy, and I miss him for
his friendship…
I have let go of him…
but no man every approaches me…
I have met men who wanted to use me…
or take advantage of me….I pray for a
Christian Man….but now I am too old
for anybody at all.
So I sat in the Bible study and cried….
Sometimes tears a good….but tonight…
I felt really, really, really, alone…in the midst
of other people.
Do you really want to know why?
I only have $10.00 to my name.
I do not have money and I am without
food to feed my son and mother till
next paycheck
I am lost.;—I feel humiliated…and ashamed
Ashamed that I have no mate, no husband
no one who I can call out to for help.
Sure I can ask the Pastor…but I did that a
month ago.
Things have not gotten better.
So is it a mate, or boyfriend that will
change my circumstance?
No, of course not.

God is the only one that can help me.
So with my prayer….how come I have not
gotten the answer I need to put food on this
dinningroom table.
What does being humble mean anyway?
How humble and humiliated can I become

so that I can get food?

Dear God,

I ask for your help and deliverance.
I ask for forgiveness,
I want to repent of my sins
and I want to see Jesus in my life
I am truly a sinner saved by your grace

But I need your help Lord…
have mercy on me…
Save my family from my lack of finances,,,
I pay rent, but, there is not enough money
to go around after I do that.
Now I sit here at 4 am in the morning on a
Saturday without breakfast for my child…
I am lost and alone…
and worse yet….I am without food.
Thank you Lord for your love and compassion
Amen

ONE

one life
one heart
one love
one start
one loss
one betrayal
one crown
one robe
one tear
one lie
one person
one friend
one leg
one foot
one place
one rule
one child
one job
one problem
one meal
one pain
one gain
one river
one ocean
one fish
two fish
one friend
one spirit
one battle
one victory
won victory!~
two victories!
one time
two times
three wins
and three
losses
one hold
one love
one love
one shared
love
ONE GOD!

I feel MOST ALONE WHEN…..

i feel most alone when:

…I see couples walking hand in hand,
…When I see young mothers with new
born babes in their arms ..cooing to the
youngin’
….when I see couples playing with their
toddler and enjoying his/her first steps!
….when I see families gathered at a
resturant table for a birthday or family
celebration,
….When I see a family returing from
a vacation with their suit cases from
Disney World/Disney Land!
…..When I see married couples and their
children returning from church,
….When I return home from church, and
realize it is just me, my mother and my
son…and there is no husband for me to
hug, joke or love…
….I feel phsyically alone, but not spiritually
alone.
I know God is there, and God will never leave
me….God will never forsake me….But God
also understands me…
So even if you read this…and you do not
understand me….I know that God does
understand my loss of a intimate personal
life with my X-husband….I know that God
knows and understands, that while I love
him…I miss the actually phsyical contact
that married life had given me over
15 years ago…I know that God does not
hold anger against me for feeling lonely…
So it is okay for me to write this little thing
about aloneness…even with God’s love
in great supply in my life….
So read, and learn….it is alright to have
feelings…as long as they stay in the
right place and do not over take you and
overwhelm you.
Pray, and stay in peace, seek God’s direction
in all that you do.
Fini~

CAN YOUR BODY BETRAY YOU?

I prayed before I entered the doctors office.
I thought, okay, walk yourself through the
steps of the medical evalution
But nothing could prepare me for that
pain….absolutely NOTHING!
The Doctor told me to breath, take breaths…
I COULD NOT EVEN CATCH MY BREATH!
OH GAWD!!!!!!….LAWD HAVE HIS MERCY!!!
I was not prepared for that!
Can your body betray you?
Women? You know what I mean…right?
I felt betrayed and hurt.
But the nurse was very compassionate…not
about my pain, but instead about my
marital status.
My X-husband has been missing for 10 years.
So we changed my status in the file.
She told me to pray so that I receive
closure on my life, and my X-husbands
life.
Well, if I gained nothing else on this very
very, painful day—-I received insight into
a very painful lack of a personal life as well.
Just keep it moving and keep a positive
outlook.
But hey…you want to see that God
definitely has a sense of humor?
As I was leaving the doctors office, I ran onto
the elevator and I felt the man on the
elevator staring at me!
I was immediately annoyed…I looked up
and it was one of my bosses from WORK!
I laughed, because he definitely was
not expected!
I guess he had a medical appointment…
I wondered if he had the same negative
physical pain as I just experienced?!
He was laughing too, He said he had
wondered if it was me.
I just laughed along with him and
we both exited the elevator going
our separate ways.
Funny thing. He was my boss over
15 years ago when I had been pregnant
with my son…he had seen and spoke to
my X-husband…before all of the loss and
tragedy.
So strange, that the nurse told me I
needed closure…and there was someone
who had knew my X-husband.
LIfe is strange uh?!
Oh, well, despite my frustration with my
severely, breath taking painful medical
examination…I guess I also addressed
a severely painful family tragedy as well.
What a day for learning.—
So can your body betray you?