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Last week I finally did it.  I went and had a MAMMOGRAPHY done!  I was scared so very scared.  But I was not feeling well for weeks.  Not because of that…but I am extremely tired.  That is why I have not been blogging lately. 

 I am so tired I do not have the strength to sit at the keyboard and blog.  I went to my doctor the week before and she gave me the referrals—you know the ones that I have failed to follow through on for months and even—yes—I admit it…years!  I put those little papers in my patent leather pocket book and then forgot about them.

  I woke up one morning so exhausted I could barely open my eyes or move my limbs.  I called out sick.  As always,  my job demands a doctors note…even if it is in the middle of the week. 

Oh, well, here goes.  The phone call after I woke up three hours later to the Women’s Health Center.  I asked if they had an available appointment and they did!  Okay,  not only was I feeling exhausted and tired,  my limbs ached,  I have the continuing blisters that are not shoe related on the bottoms of my feet.  I have a nagging pain here and there.  So  I gave in and stopped fighting it. 

 I made the appointment for 3:15.  I cannot back out of it now.  My back is against the wall.  I will have a doctor’s note for work…but the worst part of it is that I have placed my breasts and my life at the mercy of the Women’s health center. 

I prayed as I drove down Queens Blvd.  Why didn’t  I just wake up and feel good today?  I go to work feeling sick EVERY DAY!  I could have gone to work.  I have not seen any bumps on my breasts…or felt any.  I know that does not mean anything….but I tried to reprimand my own self for not going to work and now forcing myself into this situation. 

What is wrong with me,  I ask myself.  It is good to be a woman who cares for her body….it is not good to run from health care silly! 

I parked my car.  My legs began to feel wobbly, and I felt the extreme heat when I exited my car and made my way across the street.  I felt alone and scared.  Why couldn’t I just feel good?  YOu know…like when I was in my twenties?

  Why God,  Why?  Why did I let myself go….to being 265 pounds (the last time the doctor checked)-why couldn’t I look like those thin size 6  or size 14 even women that walk past me on the street, or malls or even at my job?   Why did I have to fall into the  category  of OBESE BLACK WOMAN WITH THE HIGH RISK HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, AND POSSIBLE CANCER ISSUES??????  When I drop my son off to tennis the thin mothers of the other tennis players (who are black) look at me with this look of (what is wrong with you?) 

 These mothers wear little tennis outfits, and sneakers.  I wear my oversize shirts (size 24-26) and oversize 3x-4x pants and my flipflops…not a pretty thought uh?  But my son is tall, 5’9′ and wears a size 12 shoe.  My child is not fat like his mother.  Hey,  wait a minute….I was not fat when I was a teenager either!  I allowed life and problems to carry me to the Obese world somehow. When I was young I played softball on a team,  I took karate lessons for 4 years,  I did gymnastics,  I did the five borough bike tour too. 

 So what happened?—–OKAY,  OKAY…YOU GET THE DRIFT RIGHT?????  My whole life is flashing before my eyes as I walk toward the security  guard in the office building.  I get on the elevator and start praying again.  I try to stop reliving my life from thin to fat in 5 seconds and repremanding myself for coming to this point and also the fact that I have not had a mamogram in over 10 years.  What will the technologist say to me?

  Oh, God…what if I do have breast cancer….they will just look at me and shake their heads.  They will ask,  why didn’t you come to get a mamogram sooner????  This has been a difficult life …the loss of my husband to skizophrenia,  my mother’s stroke,  my child having pnuemonia,  asthma,  sizures,  my foot operations for an infection that would not heal,  my knee operation for  an injury suffered on the job…and just plain FEAR,  FEAR,  STUPID,  STUPID FEAR…..

Again I have to stop myself from  this continuous self repremand…cause I am standing in front of the receptionist.  I am handed a clip board and I fill out the detail on my health and family health.  I have to put marks on the picture of breasts that show any unusual markings. 

 I speckle my picture breasts because I have exprienced many discolorations since I suffered chicken pox when I was 37 years old.  I have this out breaks of blisters, or severe sensitivity to sweating, or heat.  So my body looks rather ugly to me at this point. 

Oh, to go back to the age of a teenager.  When I see women wearing dresses with their backs out, or even stomach skin showing….I feel ugly and humiliated.  My skin,  the youthful skin is gone.  People keep telling me I am a young 48 years old. 

 I laugh and say thankyou…but I know the truth.  My disrobed body tells the truth and the story behind the marks from blisters, and sensitivity lesions etc.  My back looks like a cat scratched it.  Ugh!  I have shown these marks and open lesions to my doctor who has not answer for them at all. 

So here I sit,  filling out this form….feeling more fearful as the moments pass.  Two little girls,  dressed in traditional summer frocks are waiting for their Mommy.  The two are coloring and talking to everyone in the  waiting room. 

 They are sweet and they pull me out of my mental chaos over this mamogram.  Then I think….their mother is here because she loves her children and wants to be here for them….let me think of my little family too. 

Finally the little girls and their mother leave  and I am called in.  I suddenly had the urge to use the restroom.  The Tech person looked at me,  I said I am sorry. I just took a water pill.

When I returned the procedure was quick and painless. So what was all that mental nonsense about???

The Tech Mammogram woman was over weight too!  She was black like me!  She listened to me rant on about my reasons for not coming to the Mammogram for so many years, and she even sent me out of the exam telling me that God is with me and not to worry!

I felt great!  I really felt Great! 

I am waiting for the results…but I will take it one day at a time…but atleast I went to get the Mammography done.

Why don’t you go get your Mammography done today?  or tomorrow?   You will feel better for doing it.

I will keep you posted on it.

till next health moment….riveroflifelisajoy!