Riveroflifelisajoy’s Weblog

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Archive for February 27, 2009


one life
one heart
one love
one start
one loss
one betrayal
one crown
one robe
one tear
one lie
one person
one friend
one leg
one foot
one place
one rule
one child
one job
one problem
one meal
one pain
one gain
one river
one ocean
one fish
two fish
one friend
one spirit
one battle
one victory
won victory!~
two victories!
one time
two times
three wins
and three
one hold
one love
one love
one shared



i feel most alone when:

…I see couples walking hand in hand,
…When I see young mothers with new
born babes in their arms ..cooing to the
….when I see couples playing with their
toddler and enjoying his/her first steps!
….when I see families gathered at a
resturant table for a birthday or family
….When I see a family returing from
a vacation with their suit cases from
Disney World/Disney Land!
…..When I see married couples and their
children returning from church,
….When I return home from church, and
realize it is just me, my mother and my
son…and there is no husband for me to
hug, joke or love…
….I feel phsyically alone, but not spiritually
I know God is there, and God will never leave
me….God will never forsake me….But God
also understands me…
So even if you read this…and you do not
understand me….I know that God does
understand my loss of a intimate personal
life with my X-husband….I know that God
knows and understands, that while I love
him…I miss the actually phsyical contact
that married life had given me over
15 years ago…I know that God does not
hold anger against me for feeling lonely…
So it is okay for me to write this little thing
about aloneness…even with God’s love
in great supply in my life….
So read, and learn….it is alright to have
feelings…as long as they stay in the
right place and do not over take you and
overwhelm you.
Pray, and stay in peace, seek God’s direction
in all that you do.


I prayed before I entered the doctors office.
I thought, okay, walk yourself through the
steps of the medical evalution
But nothing could prepare me for that
pain….absolutely NOTHING!
The Doctor told me to breath, take breaths…
I was not prepared for that!
Can your body betray you?
Women? You know what I mean…right?
I felt betrayed and hurt.
But the nurse was very compassionate…not
about my pain, but instead about my
marital status.
My X-husband has been missing for 10 years.
So we changed my status in the file.
She told me to pray so that I receive
closure on my life, and my X-husbands
Well, if I gained nothing else on this very
very, painful day—-I received insight into
a very painful lack of a personal life as well.
Just keep it moving and keep a positive
But hey…you want to see that God
definitely has a sense of humor?
As I was leaving the doctors office, I ran onto
the elevator and I felt the man on the
elevator staring at me!
I was immediately annoyed…I looked up
and it was one of my bosses from WORK!
I laughed, because he definitely was
not expected!
I guess he had a medical appointment…
I wondered if he had the same negative
physical pain as I just experienced?!
He was laughing too, He said he had
wondered if it was me.
I just laughed along with him and
we both exited the elevator going
our separate ways.
Funny thing. He was my boss over
15 years ago when I had been pregnant
with my son…he had seen and spoke to
my X-husband…before all of the loss and
So strange, that the nurse told me I
needed closure…and there was someone
who had knew my X-husband.
LIfe is strange uh?!
Oh, well, despite my frustration with my
severely, breath taking painful medical
examination…I guess I also addressed
a severely painful family tragedy as well.
What a day for learning.—
So can your body betray you?