Riveroflifelisajoy’s Weblog
Just another WordPress.com weblogArchive for March, 2009
SAND BETWEEN MY TOES…I DONT WEAR SOCKS
I glady tell some people that I do not
wear socks!
My son teases me and says that is why your
feet “LOOK LIKE THAT!”
I love the summer!
I should have been born in the Tropics…
No….I mean it! Really!
I love to feel sun drenched!
I love to feel the warm sun…not the hot
midday sun…but the late afternoon sun
when you sit up under a tree and allow
yourself to feel that breeze and smell
the grass and summer plants and flowers…
with your eyes closed —suddenly you
can even “feel” the earth revolving! You can
hear the leaves on the trees being gently
tosseled by the warm summer winds.
Ah, yes…I love sand between my toes..
I love to see the tops of my feet and toes
become sun tanned…darker that it is
naturally….
I love the red tone my dark skin seems
to take on….
Yes, I truly enjoy SAND BETWEEN MY
TOES!
I remember when I first started working
in Manhattan when I was younger…
My days of walking the Manhattan streets
were fun…except I did not make
enough money to really shop in the
expensive stores…
However, I enjoyed watching the styles
and the people who did shop in those
stores, like Bloomingdales, Macys…etc.
But the Hot Hot streets of Manhattan with
their semi-melt black tar streets would
sometimes feel soft under my toes and
feet when I wore my favorite ballet
slippers as if they were real street shoes.
I loved to dance at that time…so I would go
to a dance studio and attempt to jump
around with “real” dancers in a modern
dance class. I would then leave the class
and afterwards find myself eating a frozen
yogurt from a frozen yogurt stand with
super sweet strawberries on top of my
vanilla frozen yogurt.
I walk down 7th Avenue past 42nd street…
all the way to 34th street and Penn station
and then board the E train to Queens…
the last stop.
I loved the feel of the Manhattan streets in
the summer.
The office workers looked carefree as they
sat watching all the pedestrians walk
by…..Men watching women, and women
talking engrossed in conversations as they
took slow walks back to their buildings to
end their day after lunch.
I know…I had been one of those women
too!
Yet still and all….I loved the City of New
York.
But I still love SAND BETWEEN MY TOES!
When I was about 16 I would go with my
mother to a wealthy woman’s home…Anne
Shaw.
She would rent a house in Fire Island on
Ocean beach.
I loved that place.
My mother would clean that rented home…
and I would walk from the Bay of Ocean
Beach ….on out to the more rough
ocean beach part of the area.
I would literally walk bare foot….I would
saunter down the cement streets…
without a care in the world.
I would wear only my bathing suit and
and smock over it.
I was so thin at the time I would wear
Danskin Leotards/bathing suits.
I had this rich burgandy colored one!
Oh how much I enjoyed those carefree
Days!
Sometimes…most of the time I would bring
my CELLO and play it on the deck of Ms.
Anne Shaw’s rented home that my mother
cleaned while I walked carefree.
I love…SAND BETWEEN MY TOES…
i DON’T WEAR SOCKS EITHER…AND i AM
NOT ASHAMED TO TELL YOU THAT!
i LOVE THE WARM SUMMER SUN, THE
SAND BETWEEN MY TOES…EVEN IF IT IS
ON THE BEACH, OR IN THE BEACH WATER…
i LOVE THE SAND BETWEEN MY TOES…
oH, TO GO BACK TO THOSE CAREFREE DAYS!
YOU KNOW THE HEART HAS A MEMORY….
I have heard and read stories in the
news paper…”Not the Post”—but the Daily
News and Times about people who have
received heart transplants and begin to have
certain behaviors, likes and dislikes of the
owner of the heart that he/she received
in transplantation.
I often wonder..since I read that…what would
someone remember or what strong habits
do I have that would be remembered if I
were to become a heart donator?
My heart would remember my:
First Kiss from my mother when I was born?
My first kiss from my boyfriend when I was
pre-teen?
My first hug, first steps, first days of school
experiences?
My first love?
The day I received Jesus as My Lord and
Savior?
My first witness of who Jesus is in my
life after that Ephiany of Salvation?
My wedding day to my x-husband?
My realization that my husband had
left me the first time….the second time
and when he became tragically sick?
My first nights of sleeping alone in a bed
that I had shared with someone for ten
years.
My first time of loss from a companion who
I would never see again in life
My first look at my son and realize that he
had lost his father forever to a tragic
disease and who would not ever see his
father again.
My first time that my mother would tell me
that I have to go on for my son…and
focus my attention on the Lord and raising
my son without his father…
My first date with a man….two years after
we tragically lost my husband
My son’s first words, my son’s birthday
and how special that was
My son’s look and behavior that reminds
me of his father…
My life since I have learned to let go and
move forward from my fears and allow
God to lead me toward a new and
joyful life…
Yes….you know the HEART HAS A MEMORY
wHAT DOES YOUR HEART REMEMBER?
NEW HAIR DELIMA PART #2 WEAVE BE GONE
yES, CHILE….i HAVE PARTED WITH THAT
WEAVE i WORE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.
nOT THE SAME ONE…JUST THAT i HAVE
HIDDEN UP UNDERNEATH ALL THAT HAIR.
i FINALLY GOT THE CORRECT LENGTH…
BUT i WAS NOT AWARE THAT i WOULD
LOOSE HAIR…BECAUSE i COULD NOT
AFFORD TO CHANGE IT ATLEAST EVERY SIX
WEEKS…OR LESS.
dANGEROUS…i HAVE THINNED OUT MY
HAIR…IN MY SCALP!
i DO NOT WANT TO WEAR IT DOWN…SO i
PULL IT BACK TO KEEP IT FROM BEING
OBVIOUSLY TOO THIN.
bECAREFUL…WITH BRAIDS AND WEAVES
LADIES…IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO
MAINTENCE IT.
bUT FOR NOW…i AM GETTING USED TO THE
WEAK LOOKING PONY TAIL IN THE BACK OF
MY HEAD.
i DID GET SOME COMPLIMENTS DESPITE
HOW i THINK MY HAIR LOOKS.
sOMETIMES…MOST OF THE TIME…change is
good!
Till next hair blog!
MAMMOGRAPHY FOLLOW UP….UGH!
I had to go to my 6 month follow up for
Mammography!
I was scared and nervous…what else is new?!
The weather was nice that day….but I was
still scared.
The tech was through and I got out at at
good time.
I am waiting the results.
Go GET YOUR MAMMOS DONE….LADIES..
GO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!
Sincerely
SCARY —NEW HAIR DELIMA!!! NO WEAVE!!!
CHILE!!! I went to my hairdresser and chile!
I was in such shock! My hair weave thinned
out my hair! Lawd have his mercy!
I am so embarressed!
I enjoyed that fake hair on my head…and
NOw….it is shameful and embarressing!
I pulled it back because you can see my
scalp! I am almost bald!
I have gapped teeth in the front and missing
teeth on the side.
Oh, Lawd….what has become of my life!
At one time in my life…I might have been
pretty. But I never thought I was.
Now I see the actual face, hands, mouth,
nose, and eyes. I see the extended
belly and weighted body…
Oh, Lawd! I have the worse attributes of
my parents….I am not the most of anything
I am the least.
Please understand….My hair is extremely
thinn now….but my body extremely
overweight…so what does that look like?
My own husband of ten years missing from
my life had told me back in 1999 that I was
attractive anymore. I had gained weight
after I gave birth to our child back then.
My stomach looked terrible. He went
after an extremely thin woman and left me.
He returned, but then he was there for
my son only….not for me. His heart was
still in that adultery based relationship.
He was tormented by the thoughts of
leaving that lovely thin, frail and needy
woman….He finally could not take it and
he ran back into her arms. I was left
sitting in church one day thinking he
had gone to get the car.
He left me and his own 2 year old child sitting
in the church. Everyone had gone home
and I was waiting until 7:00 at night for
my husband. My child had not eaten, and
neither had I.
My mother finally had to pick me up. It was
horrible and embarressing …that my
husband left me alone and his own child
alone in the church that we had both sat
through a sermon!
I realize now that his heart was with that
woman…and not with me.
He had told me that I was like a “sister” to
him and that he loved that woman…or rather
he was inlove with that woman.
He did not care about my feelings…I had
gained weight and was not attractive
to him.
He finally returned after that episode and
then he got sick. He blamed himself for
his condition due to his own actions.
He has been missing for over 10 years.
He was good to me before he cheated…
but that day…and that statement that I
am a sister to him…or a bore…or not
attractive after I gave birth to his son…
was very painful.
When you get to a certain age you are not
useful anymore. You begin to age…and
then they loose interest.
So I am alone….my scary hair delima is mine
alone….I do not have a mate for over 10
years….so being alone is lonely….but
being told you are not as attractive as
you used to be—or that someone
gets “tired” of you well….that hurts.
Life if funny….I can see the actual
unattractive sides to my life and I wish for
others happiness and wellness.
So yes it is Scary to hair ulgy hair problems
but so what?
I will have to leave my hair up in this
ponytail and wait for it to improve and
grow back.
I will continue to help others….and literally
give up on relationships and become
SELFLESS and give to others as God would
have me do.
I just ask God to help me…in whatever
way he can.
I am not the person that others are…not
as pretty…but that is not for me to be..
but instead give myself over to others
in service to mankind.
So my hair….whatever happens, happens..
So I learn to live and cope with it.
Till next blog…
RIVEROFLIFE…
FEAR OF MOVING ON
LORD, GOD ALMIGHTY
MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH
THOU ARE GREAT AND MIGHTY
REDEEMER OF MY SOUL…
Dear Lord Jesus,
I admit to having fear sometimes
I admit to being prideful and
not accepting the help offered from
my fellowman
I admit to looking back to the
past too often….when I should
be looking to the future
I admit to feeling betrayed and
like a failure when in fact
I have been made victorious by
your love and your salavation
Please forgive me Lord and
guide me back toward the goals
you and I have talked about
I know that you have me in the
palm of your mighty hand…
I want to walk in your perfect will
I ask that you bring me into that
perfect will today.
Have mercy upon me for my
lack of faith, and lack of love
Renew in my heart and clean spirit.
Refresh my spirit in your love
and allow me to spread that
to others
Lord bless my church home,
bless the people in need in the world
bless the lost and hurting
bless my family and friends
Thank you Lord Jesus
Amen
The Power of Prayer and Timelessness
In life…it is hard to
sometimes find a
common ground
Sometimes meet in
that space and time
realm where
everything seems to
stop…
the world is put on hold
and you can leave that
worldly mold
and take hold
of another person
in the spirit
I like you.
Nothing more,
nothing less.
I like you….
Time was moving
for once I was not…
atleast for a
millisecond…
but only we knew…
It was surreal…
but peaceful
a moment in prayer
felt light a quick
eternity…
Lets meet in
prayer—again!
Prayer is more
concrete that
actual conversation…
more real than
that stupid arguement
you had yesterday…
Take that moment and
move forward into
the supernatural realm
of Prayer!
IN ALL THIS GIVE THANKS!
In my daily struggles…
I must give thanks…
Apostle Paul stated that
“I am cast down…but not destroyed…”
I have been through serious hurt and
serious physical pain….I have felt love,
romantic feelings, fear and sickness.
But even in all that…it is proven to me to
have faith, have love, and give thanks
in all of those trails!
I have awakened at 4am and found myself
tired of sleeping…my soul hungry for the
answer…I have walked my house…and
found myself full of fear that had me in
its’ grip. I would sit and pray, think and
ponder the issue and then cry.
I sometimes get in my car and drive.
I want to give thanks but sometimes it
is difficult to give thanks when it
hurts so bad. Agony is no joke.
So I always try to say “Lord have mercy
on my soul and then keep me nearer the
cross. Help me Lord, lift me up…from this
deep dark pit….pit of pain and misery…
Have mercy Lord Jesus…!
Let this pain or fear pass from me.
Sometimes I would have prayed and
grow sleepy and I climb the steps back
to my bed and fall back to sleep.
I awake in a better spirit.
I have received the Lord’s peace in my
sleep.
So when I have awakened I give thanks!
The situation may have stayed the same–
but I feel that I can cope a little better.
I feel a little less pain.
I feel a little less fear.
So IN ALL THIS GIVE THANKS!
The imediate answer to a prayer does not
always come the same day…or same year!
But the answer comes…yes the answer
comes.
All one has to do is to hold on to that
prayer, write in down in a book and keep
track of that!
Never feel despair….never give up…just
keep on holding on. Get others to pray
with you…believing that these things that
you have prayed for will happen.
Sometimes it may take years….I still do not
have a husband after all of these years.
I have been alone for 10 years. So if you
want to know how to cope with being
lonely….COUNT IT ALL JOY….AND IN ALL
THIS GIVE THANKS!
You need a job….COUNT IT ALL JOY AND
GIVE THANKS…YOU need better health
….give thanks, and count it all joy!
GIVE THANKS AND COUNT IT ALL JOY!
GIVE THANKS AND COUNT IT JOY
GIVE THANKS AND COUNT
GIVE THANKS, GIVE
GIVE THANKS
LORD TEACH ME TO BE HUMBLE
I THINK THIS IS MY WEEK OR WEEKS
TO LEARN WHAT TRUE HUMILITY IS!
Everything I do …affects everyone or
everything.
I am lonely…so it might be a very large
and looming selfish “ME SYNDROME” coming
forward in my life.
I look forward to living a life ordained of the
Lord….but sometimes I have to face
my worse fears about myself, my selfishness
my weaknesses and my attitudes.
Sometimes I do not want to see the
truth….
So Lord teach me to be humble…is
my prayer for this morning of
March 3, 2009.
Sometimes I feel lonely, and wonder why
I am alone….
Sometimes I feel happy and could care less
that I am alone.
Sometimes I wish that I had a mate to
toss my arms around….
But Lord Jesus…the doctrine you preached
is and will always be sound.
“LOve thy neighbor as thy self!”
If I follow that I will always be busy
about helping others…and then I will
lose that stupid old “ME SYNDROME”–
Lord help me to lose that selfish me….
and receive the true—true VICTORY
today….
Lord help me to love my neighbor as myself..
Help me LORD….TEACH ME TO BE HUMBLE.
AMEN, amen
I am feeling lonely again….
Lord,
I pray to you….release me from emotional
feelings that interfere with my soul
salvation.
I want focus on you completely.
I do not want to have any feelings to
be guided by…other than my love for
you Jesus.
My heart is full…but I believe that I have
negative attitudes that need to be purged.
I do not want to have any relationships that
are not in your will.
Help me to be guided to your work.
I do not want to be a part of any
relationships that are not in your will.
I promise to committ myself 100% to your
work….not personal gain, or selfpity.
Release me from my selfish desires….I do
not want to be loved in human fashion any
more…I want to focus on my attention
in servitude to mankind through Jesus
Christ.
Help me Lord to fast from selfish
desire for affection, and human desires
and to totally give myself over to your
complete will.
